


Best Man

by darkwingduckie7



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-15
Updated: 2013-03-22
Packaged: 2017-12-05 09:38:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 36,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/721590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darkwingduckie7/pseuds/darkwingduckie7
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Completely AU (no aliens, no Torchwood except the characters). Ianto is getting married to Lisa. Jack is his best man who travels from the US for the wedding but old feelings re-surface and things don’t go as originally planned.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Tuesday Evening

**Author's Note:**

> Story was originally posted on LJ between June 21st, 2012 and July 15th, 2012.
> 
> Thank you to my wonderful beta jolinarjackson. You have been brilliant and I really wouldn’t have a story to post without you. Thank you for taking the time out of your busy life and making this story the best it could be. You are really amazing to work with and I appreciate your amazing grammar skills, ideas, suggestions, and everything else you put into this story. On that note, I’ve been a bad girl and added a few things after my beta saw the story so all mistakes are mine.  
> I would also like to thank tardisjournal who talked me off the ledge when I was having a freak out moment over this fic. You keep me sane, thank you!

Ianto glanced at the clock; Lisa wasn’t home yet even though the sun had already begun to set. She had been coming home late almost every night over the past couple of weeks due to last minute preparations for the wedding.

Before she started had planning it, Ianto had had no idea that there were at least twenty shades of white, God forbid one of them did not match, and that didn't take into account the many shades of purple… no, not purple, 'lavender' as Lisa would correct him. Then there were the matching dishes, utensils, many, many different types of glasses, flowers, table cloths, chair coverings, food (taking into account food allergies and, ugh, bloody vegetarians), decorations, picky bridesmaids (two of them his sisters), and all the little details that he wished he’d never had to encounter in his entire life.

Like any good fiancé and self-defined manly man (if you forgot the immaculate suits and ties, his _slight_ obsession over cleanliness, odd fascination with Appletinis, and love for musical theatre), his involvement in the wedding included food and cake tasting and nodding... a lot and preferably in all the right places. The nodding resulted in a stiff neck, a necessary sacrifice for the greater good (i.e., Lisa’s happiness). Although he sometimes wondered whether there should be a medical condition, such as ‘Fiancé Planning a Wedding’ syndrome, and whether he could argue paid disability leave from work.

He knew that tonight Lisa was at the tailors' shop getting last minute dress alterations and, thankfully, wanted to keep the dress as a surprise for him. This meant he would get a break from nodding and enjoy a badly needed beer and a rugby game.

Relaxing on the sofa, he was pulled from his slightly inebriated and sleepy state by the sound of a knock on the door. Not expecting anyone (did he miss the intercom buzzer?), Ianto opened his door and was thrown off balance while engulfed into a tight bear hug by a six foot two American with shaggy hair.

With his remaining breath, and it was hard to breathe with the compression against his lungs, he inhaled those familiar dizzying pheromones and managed to squeak out, “Jack! You’re hurting me.”

The arms loosened a bit but the scent of salty sea air, honey, and just... Jack invaded every pore of his being.

The excited American accent bellowed, “Congratulations! You’re getting married! So happy for you!”

Jack’s heart fluttered as his hands settled into a comfortable position resting on Ianto’s hips. He breathed in deeply, filling his lungs with Ianto’s scent, wondering how he ever forgot that delicious smell of coffee, cinnamon, and something so very unique that was just Ianto.

“Jack, you can let go now. Imagine how the neighbors will gossip,” Ianto deadpanned.

Jack complied but produced an over-exaggerated pout. “Sorry.”

“That doesn’t work on me, remember?” Ianto gently pulled him inside by his sleeve and closed the door. “Not that I’m not happy to see you but I thought you couldn’t make it until the day before the wedding.”

Again, he sported the pout. “Gonna kick me out now?” 

He received an eye roll in return.

“I moved around a few meetings, put in some all-nighters, blackmailed the boss about sleeping with his secretary behind his wife’s back and was able to get a few more days off.” Jack’s glimmering smile lit up his entire face and made his eyes sparkle.

Ianto leaned in to give his friend a light hug. “You are terrible, Jack Harkness! But I really am happy to see you. Maybe now I’ll survive until the wedding.”

Jack’s breath hitched at Ianto’s light touch ghosting around his shoulders, his own hands wrapped around the younger man’s hips again. “You’ll do just fine, Tiger Pants.”

“Oi!” Ianto smacked his head playfully as he pulled away. “Not again with that awful nickname! I’d thought you would get over calling me that after all this time.”

“Never! At least it’s better than teaboy. And what is this, Smack Jack Day? A new national Welsh holiday I haven’t heard about?”

“I’m glad your ego hasn’t suffered in all those years. And it _would_ be a very pleasant holiday. The Welsh could get all their frustrations out by smacking insufferable Americans.”

“Insufferable, am I?”

“Always!”

.

_They met each other at college in Oxford seven years ago. Jack attended a year ahead, coming to study from America as an international student. Ianto moved there from Newport._

_On the day of his move, Ianto took one look at the squalid, derelict room was renting (with filthy communal toilets and showers serving as the breaking point) and started a search for a new place to live. Fate intervened: Jack’s roommate became pregnant and moved out mid-lease to live with her boyfriend._

_Jack was desperate for a roommate with his rent coming up and not enough money to cover it himself. As it was after the start of the term, everyone’s housing was already worked out and he was anxious to find someone, even for a lower rent amount._

_Luck had it that a barista, Jack’s friend, worked in a coffee shop that Ianto frequented (it was the only one that provided coffee up to his standards). After learning about Ianto’s living conditions and knowing about Jack’s predicament, Tosh introduced the two men._

.

They'd spent the next three years sharing a flat and becoming inseparable friends.

Following graduation, Jack had moved to New York City after being offered a job working in a large finance firm. Ianto had finished off his last year and even had had a job lined up in London, but due to his mam's accident, he'd had to move back to Cardiff. He'd ended up working at the local university library, a waste of his journalistic and writing skills.

Almost four years had passed since and the two men had lost touch except for erratic emails. Then, three months ago, Jack had answered his company phone, surprised to hear Ianto’s beautiful Welsh vowels asking him to be the best man at his wedding. Even though they’d not spoken much over the last few years, Jack still considered Ianto the best friend he had ever had (among the other feelings that he hoped he'd buried years ago and would remain so), thus he agreed without hesitation.

They settled on the sofa, beers in hand, and Jack asked, “So how’s the wedding planning going?”

Ianto groaned, “Can we please talk about anything _but_ the wedding?”

The American guessed, “Lisa’s turned into a Bridezilla?”

“A what?”

“They have this TV show in America where they show over-controlling, perfectionistic, stressed-out brides stomping over everyone to get the perfect wedding of their dreams. The brides freak out over the smallest inaccuracies, like the wrong shade of white. They call those brides Bridezillas, after Godzilla. The guys seem especially stressed and I never understood how they actually ended up marrying the monsters after they displayed those kinds of behaviors.”

“Really? You watch that? That’s so American!" Ianto gave Jack a disbelieving look. "Lisa’s not… oh, I give in, she is awful!” Ianto was embarrassed by his admission, his face turning red. “I m-mean she is amazing, brilliant, except when planning the wedding.”

Jack chuckled. “You must really love her.”

A smile spread, illuminating Ianto’s face and lighting up his stormy-blue eyes. “Yeah, I do. She’s perfect, beautiful, kind, generous, patient, understanding, loving, and she's all mine.”

Ianto sat there, his eyes glazed over, and described Lisa in every detail; expressed just how he loved and adored her. He illustrated how they first met through his step-sister, Gwen, right after he'd moved back to Cardiff. He beamed when reminiscing about their first kiss on the Plass and when recalling how he proposed at her favorite French restaurant on one knee with a gorgeous diamond ring, the most expensive thing he’d ever bought.

While Ianto was caught up in telling his stories, he missed the heartbroken look that flickered through Jack’s eyes before being replaced with a wide smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes as he nodded absently.

Jack had thought that maybe after all these years since Oxford, his feelings for Ianto wouldn’t be as strong as he'd buried them deep inside years ago. But sitting there, so close he could practically feel the other man' body heat, and seeing the loving look in his friend’s eyes felt like a javelin through his heart.

They talked all evening, the rugby game playing in the background, about everything and nothing of any importance, with the friendly banter that came to them so naturally.

.

After a day filled with work and wedding planning, Lisa made her way back to the flat lost in thought. She marveled that her white dress fit so perfectly, the almost bleach-white color making her skin glow. The caterers, DJ, photographer, flowers, and venue were all working in perfect synchronicity. It was all falling perfectly into place.

The wedding planning was stressful but she was excited to be only days away from the honeymoon with her new amazing husband. They had reserved two weeks in Alicante, Spain, staying in a beach-front honeymoon suite. She was imagining couples’ spa days, blue waters and pale sand, and making love through the night.

Lisa walked into their flat and was surprised to see Ianto and a man she didn’t know asleep on the sofa in each other’s arms. A slight blush crept up her cheeks at their intimate position.

Sitting next to each other asleep, Ianto’s head rested on the other man’s chest, his hand still wrapped around his beer. The visitor’s forehead rested on top of her fiancé’s head, tilted to the side, lips lightly touching stray strands of hair; one arm was flung over Ianto’s shoulder and the other resting on his knee.

She wasn't sure whether to be shocked, amused, or turned on. “Ianto?”

Her fiancé shifted in his sleep.  “Hmgf…”

She walked up to him and nudged his arm. “Ianto wake up!”

Ianto didn’t stir but the other man opened his eyes, they were the bluest blue she had ever seen, and grinned with a mouth full of perfectly white teeth. “You must be Lisa. Jack Harkness, nice to meet you.”

Lisa shook the extended hand of the gorgeous American and quirked an eyebrow. As she smiled, amusement filled her voice, “So, you must be the best man I keep hearing about.”

He grinned. “In the flesh. And did anyone tell you, you look like Ianto when you do that eyebrow thing?”

“I’m not sure if I should take that as a compliment or not. I also never imagined finding my husband-to-be in another’s arms.”

He mock-saluted. “No need to worry, ma’am, just keeping away all the groupies.”

She laughed. “Groupies? I think he’s the one keeping them away from you.”

“Oh, really? Fancy a threesome?” Jack leered.

“Oi!” She smacked his arm and hid that she had actually considered the offer for a moment. Ianto had told her a few stories from his Uni days. However, after now meeting the main character from most of them, she realized that she’d probably heard only the tame ones. “You are as terrible as Ianto described.”

“I think he calls it incorrigible.”

“That you are! So, how about I make you the guest bed and we leave sleeping beauty to sleep on the sofa?”

"I don't mean to be an imposition; I’ll get a hotel room."

"Nonsense, we have an unused guest room and Ianto would kick my arse if I let you go and fend for yourself. As far as I’m concerned you’re family."

"Thank you," Jack whispered.

Jack smiled as he moved Ianto’s head off his shoulder. Lisa placed a pillow under him and covered her fiancé with a blanket.

She made the guest bed as Jack washed up and changed into track bottoms and a vest. When Jack was done in the bathroom, he found her leaning on the desk in the guestroom.

She looked at him curiously. “We weren’t expecting you for a few days.”

“Was able to get away early, figured I can see some sights while I’m here; never been to Cardiff before.”

“Ianto has one more day left at work before his wedding holiday. It would be nice if you could spend some time together.” Her voice was filled with love and concern, “He doesn’t have many friends here and he always recalls his time with friends from Oxford fondly. Sometimes he seems so lonely and I just don’t know what to do. With his mam the way she is after the accident, it’s like he doesn’t want to be around others much.”

Ianto didn’t allow many people into his inner sanctum; she always thought it was just her and Rhi but was glad in the past he’d let others in as well.

“How could he ever be lonely with a woman as wonderful as you by his side?”

Lisa sighed but couldn't resist a small smile. “I sometimes feel like he’s stifled here. Just… you are here such a short time, please just talk to him.”

“I promise. He can be a pain in the ass wearing that mask of his, hiding from others.”

She chuckled. “Yeah, always so hard to get inside, but what’s inside is just wonderful. I won’t keep you up. Sleep well and I’ll see you in the morning for Ianto’s perfect cup of coffee.”

Jack lay in the guest bedroom, thinking about Ianto. He knew Ianto had chosen to give up his dream job in London but he hadn’t realized that he had withdrawn from his friends, or from even trying to make friends in the first place. He was glad his friend had someone like Lisa in his life and he really, really liked Lisa, to the great dissatisfaction of his more selfish side. A side he buried deep within as he fell into a deep, dreamless sleep.


	2. Wednesday

Ianto woke up with a stiff back confused as to why he was sleeping on the sofa with the smell of coffee (someone else's coffee, damnit) permeating the morning air. With a yawn, he stretched and felt a crick in his neck. He’d definitely be feeling it for the rest of the day. He wondered if maybe he’d had a fight with Lisa and if that was it, what possessed his fiancé to use his precious coffee machine.

A cup was placed on the table next to him, “Good morning!”

Oh, yes, now he remembered. With a groan he turned and burrowed his face into the pillows. His voice croaked sounding dry and broken, “Jack? Too early.”

“You have to go to work, sleepy head!” Jack tousled his hair. “Lisa has entrusted me with waking you up and I can’t fail the fair maiden.” Ianto snorted as Jack continued, “Hope I still remember all your coffee making lessons.”

Without warning, Jack grabbed the blanket off Ianto and started to tickle him. His friend giggled hysterically, remembering Jack’s favorite way to wake him up. “Stop! Stop! Fine, I’m up, I’m up.”

As Ianto threw his legs off the side of the sofa, Jack handed him the mug of coffee, grinning. “Drink from the fountain of energy, oh young one.”

Ianto reached for the cup, took an experimental sip, and mumbled something incoherently. His hair was sticking up randomly, lips forming a cute pout.

“What?”

“I said good but the student still hasn’t surpassed the master. Better check your hearing, old man.”

Jack sounded indignant, “Who are you calling an old man?”

Ianto snorted but his response was interrupted by shuffling feet as Lisa made her way towards them with a coffee mug in her hands and wonder in her voice, “You made coffee, Jack, and you’re still _alive_?”

“The master has been training me for years. How is it?”

She took a tentative sip. “Not bad but still not as amazing as Ianto’s.”

“That’s because he’s the coffee master.”

"What I can't believe is that he gave you lessons; much less let you touch his precious coffee machine."

Jack laughed. "He gave me lessons but didn't let me touch his machine until years later. Lisa, he bought me my own machine, a cheaper version of his, to learn on."

They both laughed as Ianto blushed deep red. "Fine, go ahead and poke fun at the coffee master. But remember he can giveth coffee and he can taketh it away."

They both laughed even harder.

Ianto mumbled, “I’ve got to get ready for work. No more make fun of Ianto this morning, or ever.”

As he passed Lisa, he gave her a kiss on the cheek muttering, “Love you.”

She smiled. "Love you!"

Jack, feeling a pin prickle of pain in his heart, sat awkwardly on the sofa, trying to avert his gaze.

..............................

While Ianto worked, Jack met Tosh for lunch. She was visiting this week for the wedding and staying with one of her cousins.

She attended Oxford with Jack and Ianto, studying during the same years as Jack. After graduation, she worked as a researcher at Oxford for two years before moving to Geneva, Switzerland, to work as a computer security tech for one of the world’s top international banks.

Back at Uni (on a less than legal basis), she'd practiced her computer skills by hacking into highly secure networks like UNIT and Torchwood; places that could have put her in prison for a long the rest if her life, if discovered. Ironically, it was her job now to keep others, who were like she used to be at Uni, away.

Tosh found herself enveloped in a bear hug at the same time as she heard her name shouted into her ear by an overexcited American.

With her last breath she managed to squeeze out, “You’ll kill me, Jack.”

“Sorry.” He grinned as he let her go. "I forgot just how tiny you are!"

"Oi!” She smacked his arm. “Tiny but dangerous."

“I come to Wales and I keep getting hit repeatedly.”

Tosh grinned. “I’m sure you deserved it every time.”

They sat down in the café, laughing. Tosh ordered a latte with a veggie sandwich and Jack ordered a black coffee with a stack of biscuits.

“Biscuits for lunch? Really, Jack, I am surprised you can still fit into your clothes.”

“You calling me fat?”

“Yes, Jack, you’re a whale,” she deadpanned.

“Always with the compliments, Ms. Sato. You call me fat and Ianto calls me old, why do I put up with all the abuse?”

She laughed for a moment before becoming serious again. “So how is life, Jack? It’s been almost four years and I missed you.”

“Work is work. Pays good money, is challenging, and has a lecherous boss to blackmail so it's perfect. And you?”

“Work is great. I love the state of the art computers and security I get to work with chasing down hackers."

"You used to be one of those hackers not too long ago."

"Oh, but I was so much better! These days they lack standards… and brains. It used to be an art form, go in and out for the thrill of it without leaving a footprint. It was beautiful! These days it's about glory and bragging rights. They leave their marks and calling cards all over the place and that gets them caught. It’s so sloppy!"

Jack laughed as he threw his hands up, as if in a surrender. "Ok, ok. Can't compare Hacker Queen Tosh to those provincials running around these days."

"So right!"

"Anything else in your life? Or should I ask if there is _anyone_ else?"

The assertive, confidant hacker turned into a shy, blushing woman. "Six months ago I moved in with my boyfriend, Tommy. He’s wonderful and I think I’m in love.”

He was glad she found love. At Uni, Tosh had had the biggest crush on Owen who never gave her the time of day. He was happy she'd moved on (he so wasn’t going to think about the parallel to his life).

“That’s awesome, Tosh! So tell me more about him.”

Jack listened to Tosh gush about Tommy. The couple had met at the park by Geneva Lake, she'd been eating her lunch on a bench and was literally knocked over by a puppy. She went on to explain that it had been an 80 lbs Mastiff puppy. The owner, one Tommy Brockless, had been mortified. He'd helped her up, offered to replace her lunch and pay for the dry-cleaning. They counted that day as their first date of many.

After about three months of dating filled with flowers, picnics in parks, mountain trails, and her new hobby, biking, they'd decided to get a place together. She described that living with him was as perfect as the dates; he was clean, considerate, and the almost daily sex was amazing, breathtaking.

Her eyes shined with pride as she explained that he used to be in the British Army and after retirement started his own business training security personnel in Geneva. She wished he was at her side right now but he had a weeklong training seminar scheduled so he couldn't come up for the wedding. He was brave and strong but was gentle and loving at his core.

“So, anyone special in your life, Jack?”

He looked down at his coffee. “No, just lots of un-special someones.”

Tosh frowned and stared at Jack while he was trying to avoid her gaze. “Is it still Ianto?”

He twisted the napkin in his fingers nervously. “Pathetic, aren’t I?”

“No, Jack, no you're not. I’m sorry. I just...” Her voice trailed off into a whisper, "I'm sorry."

It seemed that everyone knew how Jack felt about Ianto, except Ianto. She'd introduced the two men when they'd been both in a living situation crisis. They'd seemed to get along well and she'd left them alone to discuss the details.

The next time she saw them together had been at a party at the flat after Ianto had moved in. Jack always flirted with everyone but it had been apparent from the first five minutes that the looks he gave Ianto were somehow different. Jack was one of her best friends and she always hoped that Ianto would one day notice... and feel the same way. But years had passed, the boys took different paths in life, and Jack seemed so hurt (even though he always tried to hide it).

She sometimes wished she'd never introduced them in the first place, even though she'd gained another best friend in Ianto. Ianto was the only person who could ever reduce the super confident, larger than life Jack Harkness to a shy, anxious mess.

“I’ve dated many, many people but…” He waved his hands in the air in an exaggerated gesture.

“How do you feel about the wedding?”

She hated herself for asking. She knew he accepted the best man role because he loved Ianto and was determined to be there for him, no matter how much it hurt. But she needed to know he’d be fine emotionally in the end.

Jack looked at Tosh with misty eyes. “I hope he’s happy, that’s all I ever wanted for him, even if it’s not with me.”

She reached out and squeezed Jack’s hand while her heart broke; whoever finally stole his heart away from Ianto would be the luckiest person on the planet.

“Can we not talk anymore about this, Tosh? And don’t say anything to Ianto. I kept this from him for all these years and he doesn’t deserve any more stress now.”

“I wanted you to tell him years ago.”

“I couldn’t. It would hurt too much if it ruined our friendship. He's straight, at least he never told me he had any curiosity, and I’d rather have him as a friend than not at all.”

“I'm so sorry.” There really was nothing she could say to stop her friend from suffering so she settled for just being there.

“Don’t be.” He grinned although the underlying sadness was still visible in his eyes. “Now, what else should we do today, Miss? Wanna play tourist with me?”

She sighed; she knew she was not going to be able to get anything else out of Jack. He seemed resigned to letting things be as they were. Tosh always thought that maybe, if Ianto knew, he’d examine himself closely because he always flirted back (even if he didn’t realize it himself) and she knew he cared deeply about Jack.

Jack and Ianto always seemed to be on the same wavelength, complementing each other perfectly. Jack would come up with hare-brained larger than life schemes and Ianto would follow with an amused raised eyebrow, practical plan, and cleaning up the mess left behind.

The two friends spent the rest of the day exploring Cardiff Castle and other landmarks while avoiding any and all uncomfortable topics.

............................

He was setting up the dining room table with four placements; dishes, forks, spoons, knifes, wine glasses, tumblers, and napkins all placed in perfect symmetry around the small square cherry wood table. “Lisa, how’s the food?”

“The roast will be done in ten.” Lisa came out of the kitchen holding a tea towel in her hands. “I am so excited to meet your old friends. Jack last night and Tosh today. Jack’s a little much, isn’t he?”

Ianto rolled his eyes. “He’s American.” Like that one aspect could explain everything.

“I didn’t mean it as a bad thing. I’m glad you have friends. Jack seems fun… and flirty.”

“Jack would flirt with a poodle; it's as natural as breathing for him."

Ianto stopped with a fork in his hand and looked intensely at his fiancé. "I know you want me to have friends here but… I don’t know. Never had many even then, just the three. And I can't help it if I just can't find anyone I click with.” He smiled. "And I have you, my love."

Lisa enveloped Ianto in a hug. “I love you too. I just want you to be happy, honey.”

“I’m happy with you, love. All I _need_ is you.”

“Ianto…”

He grabbed the back of her neck and pulled her into a steaming kiss; lips, tongues, and teeth clashed as the heat grew. He pushed her back against the table, the settings rattled as he pressed his knee between her legs. The dinner forgotten, his hands traveled down her body until they held her hips. Ianto kissed her jaw and then traveled down her throat as one of his hands found its way under Lisa’s blouse, slowly creeping up her stomach, caressing the soft flesh. They jumped away from each other as the door buzzer interrupted them.

Tosh and Jack showed up for dinner together after their tourist romp through Cardiff.

Sitting around the table eating roast, Jack was telling one of their outrageous stories from Oxford, “…you should have heard Ianto squeal like a 5 year old girl after falling off her bike and it turns out it was just a first year in a Halloween mask!”

“Jack…”

“Oh, and that doesn’t even cover all the alcohol influenced stories. There was that one time where Tosh and Ianto got pissed and somehow ended up cuddling half naked among sheep and we _weren’t_ even in Wales!”

The other three exclaimed at the same time, “Oh my God!”

“Don’t you dare, Harkness!”

“You managed to denigrate my dignity and Wales in one sentence.”

Ianto and Tosh were both blushing deep red.

Lisa added, “I had no idea my reserved, reticent Ianto was such a wild man underneath.”

Ianto rolled his eyes. “Not wild, just lacked the brain cells to stay away from those three.”

“Oi,” Tosh protested, “Jack and Owen bought all the rounds that day. I’m just an innocent bystander like you.”

“Innocent my arse! And the question you should be asking is where Jack and Owen ended up that very same night,” Ianto added with a wicked smile.

Lisa smiled sweetly at Jack. “So, where did you two end up?”

Jack quickly sipped his coffee and mumbled something.

Tosh laughed mockingly. “What? Can’t hear you."

Ianto translated for Lisa, “He meant to say they found themselves in an alley in drag complete with pantyhose, miniskirts, high heels, lipstick, and glitter. Although, Jack, you do look good in glitter.”

Jack beamed his thousand watt smile. “I always look good.”

“Oi!” Tosh smacked him on the arm. “Reign in that ego, Harkness.”

“Don’t make me tell the one about naked splashing in a public fountain with Mary.”

Tosh blushed red. “I think you just did. And I am not the only one with naked stories. How about that time you streaked through campus mid-day on a dare?”

“I wasn’t the only one, Owen joined me.”

“Not Ianto?” Lisa asked.

Jack laughed. “That one time, he was completely sober. Ianto behaves with dignity, unless he is pissed of course.”

They all joined in on the laughter while Ianto mumbled something about loss of dignity.

“So, any other drunk Ianto stories?” asked Lisa.

“Plenty, there is that one involving a tentacle alien on Halloween and…”

Ianto interrupted, “I think this is all my dignity can handle for one night, Jack.”

Tosh asked, “So, Lisa, it’s your turn to share drunken stories now.”

"Oh, he doesn't drink more than a pint now and then.” She turned to Ianto. “I wish you would have some fun sometimes, sweetheart."

"It's called growing up." He looked at Jack. "Something that some of us apparently didn't bother doing."

They sat around for a few more hours chatting about nothing important and gossiping about old times while sipping wine.

Later that night, after Jack and Tosh left and after Lisa and Ianto cleaned up, the soon-to-be-married couple lay in bed together. Lisa wrapped her arms around Ianto. “You truly are a mystery man, Ianto. I’ve known you for almost three years and had no idea how depraved you could be.”

“Do you still love me, depraved and all?” Ianto teased.

“I’ll always love you, maybe even more now knowing how corrupt and degenerate you can be.”

Their lips met in a sensual kiss, pouring in all the love and anticipation of their future together as their bodies entwined.


	3. Thursday Morning/Afternoon

Tosh stared at her watch for the fifth time during the last hour; the train was running late, something to do with all the work they were doing just north of London. The usual Welsh rain dripped down the grey concrete building, trickling into the cracks in the surface.

She still couldn’t believe she'd agreed to do this, after all these years of making her own life and getting over her unrequited crush on him, she was standing in the drizzling rain, without an umbrella, waiting. The irony was not lost on her.

In some ways she understood Jack better than anyone. She'd followed her object of obsession into some of the weirdest, wildest experiences of her life. The whole time she hoped that he would notice her, fall for her. The difference between her and Jack was that her crush always realized it, but was never interested (and sometimes had let her know that in cruel ways).

She peeked at her watch again, another six minutes passed and the train was yet to be announced. She reminded herself that she had Tommy in her life now and he was wonderful, gentle, and loving; in one word, a complete opposite of Owen. Sometimes she wondered whether that played a part in falling for Tommy but she stopped herself before allowing those dangerous thoughts to take any concrete form or shape. She loved Tommy because he was Tommy.

Drenched, shivering even though it wasn’t that cold, she sighed in relief when the train was finally announced. She still questioned her sanity in agreeing to pick him up but it was too late to back out now, so she squared her shoulders and plastered a smile on her face as she continued to wait.

.

Owen hated trains. He hated being packed like a sardine sitting between the fat guy wheezing and an old woman eating pickles… _pickles!..._ on the train.

Actually, these days, he hated everything, so he drank. He hated getting drunk as well.

Already too pissed for the hour, he originally just wanted to take the edge off but then couldn’t stop. Between the stress of training to be a doctor and Katie’s death, he chose escape when he could and these few days in Cardiff, he hoped, were going to be wonderfully nonexistent.

He had just asked Katie for her hand in marriage a week before they found out. She'd fainted and he'd driven her to their A&E for testing, even though fainting wasn’t a serious thing he worried for his love so his overprotective instincts kicked in. After testing, the doctors had found a malignant brain tumor, inoperable. She'd died less than three months later.

Instead of planning a wedding, he'd planned a funeral.

He really didn’t care about Ianto’s wedding, he remembered caring about that uptight prick in the past but couldn’t bring himself to care about anyone else’s happiness when all he felt was unbearable pain or self-inflicted numbness.

The train stopped with a jerk, he grabbed his bag, and elbowed his way out.

.

Tosh watched Owen stumble down the platform and before she could stop herself, she was running into his arms squealing in greeting, “Owen!” As their bodies collided, she couldn’t help but crinkle her nose at the stench of alcohol and possibly the last few days without a shower invading her sense of smell. Still, she clung to him. “How are you?”

Receiving a grunt in response, she pulled back and was finally able to get a good look at him. Owen looked awful; he had dark circles under his sunken in eyes, his pupils were dilated (she hoped just from the alcohol), his clothes were crinkled like he had slept in them for a few days, and he was barely standing on his feet.

“Come on; let’s get you to your hotel room.”

She was rewarded with another grunt and, grabbing his arm, led him through the crowds, holding on tightly to keep him steady.

They drove in silence, Owen nodding off in the passenger seat. Wondering what happened to her friend, Tosh spared worried glances his way. Despite his state, she still felt some of the old feelings stir and decided in that moment, she would try to take care of him as best as she could.

She had Tommy but that didn't mean she couldn't still care.

After checking Owen in and dragging him up to his room (while desperately trying to avoid odd looks from other patrons and staff), she gave in and texted Jack; she knew when she was over her head and needed to ask for help.

They had a few more hours until Ianto's stag night. Knowing it probably wasn’t a good idea to have Owen around alcohol but not wanting to ruin Ianto’s special night, she resolved to leave the decision up to Jack.

She dragged her friend’s half-limp body into the bathroom and sat him down with his head against the toilet in case he became sick. She drew a hot bath and dipped her fingers in to make sure the temperature was perfect.

Stripping off his reeking clothes down to the pants in the most clinical way possible (stuffing the flutter in her stomach into a box and solidly closing the lid), she dragged him into the bath, thankful that he was small and wiry.

Owen grunted, “Alw’a wan’ed to get clotheses off m’.”

She rolled her eyes (Ianto would be proud). “Yes, Owen, my dreams come true. Now, get into the bath.”

As soon as he hit the warm water, his eyes started to close. Tosh made sure he didn’t drown as she took care of him. Dragging a soaped up sponge over his body, Tosh wondered how he allowed himself to get into this state. Owen may have acted like a total prat in the past but she'd seen his kind side as well, like when he'd saved her from Mary’s psychotic mind games.

He'd been there for her when her mother died, they'd both got pissed and even though the next day she'd still been grieving, at least she'd known she had a friend, someone to support her. And then the kiss, the one wonderful, amazing kiss at Christmas after a pub crawl under some hanging mistletoe. She'd thought it would change everything but in reality, it had changed nothing. Except that she'd then followed him around for the next year like a pathetic love sick puppy.

She reminded herself that she had Tommy who she loved and who loved her back. And Owen, she felt pity for him. It hurt that he hurt but… maybe; just maybe, her feelings were more those of a concerned friend than anything else now.

After draining the water and drying Owen off, she dragged him to bed and tucked him in comfortably under the duvet. She watched him drift off as she sat on the side of the bed holding his hand while he slept.

..................................

A jack hammer pounded straight through his cranium, even though he’d woken up like this almost every morning since her death, he still didn’t like it. He felt the bed next to him shift, someone was sitting there.

He wracked his brain, trying to determine what had happened before he'd passed out. Tosh. She'd been supposed to pick him up at the station and then… she must have taken him to the hotel.

He wondered whether she'd stayed because she was still bloody love sick with him. He opened his eyes, about to thank her when...

“What the fuck?”

“Hi, Owen. I should be asking _you_ that question.”

“How the bloody hell are you here, Harkness?” His groan was partially muffled by the pillow.

Jack passed him a bottle of water with a bendy straw and two aspirin. “Here, it’ll make you feel better.”

Tosh did a good job providing what Owen would need when he woke up. After taking the offerings, Owen swallowed and then pressed his face into the pillow.

“Feeling better?”

“No.”

“Good. It needs to hurt. Now, why the fuck did you show up at eleven in the morning this drunk?”

“Leave me alone,” Owen muttered into the pillow.

He heard Jack’s footsteps walking away and sighed in relief.

“What the bloody fuck!” Owen jumped out of the bed after Jack dumped ice water on his head.

“No mercy, Harper. Spill.”

“Bloody hell! You're here ear...”

Jack’s voice was commanding but gentle, “No deflecting, Harper. Poor Tosh dragged you drunk off your ass through half of Cardiff; she bathed you, and took care of you. So give me a good reason why you would do something like that to a friend? Better yet, give me a reason why I shouldn’t smack you right now?”

Owen’s body trembled and tears started to flow down his face. Jack’s heart ached to see Owen so broken; he grabbed his friend into a big bear hug (grimacing inwardly that ice water wasn't one of his best ideas) and just held him there while the other man sobbed.

It seemed like hours and Jack’s shirt was soaked through with his tears and water before Owen settled down. Jack asked him gently, “What happened?”

Owen kept his face buried in Jack’s chest while mumbling, “She d-died.”

Jack waited silently for Owen to continue in his own time.

“I l-loved her. Still d-do.”

Caressing his hair, he held on tighter still waiting patiently.

“Katie… just proposed and then f-found the b-brain tumor.”

He could feel his friend’s pain in every tense muscle of his body. Owen had been known to be a mean wanker but Jack knew that was just his defense mechanism and it had worked well in the past. Seeing Owen so bare and broken without his façade was really a painful sight, bringing tears to the corners of Jack’s eyes.

“A month of hell, Jack. D-don’t know if I c-can l-live witho-out her.”

“You are strong, Owen. I know it hurts right now but I know you. You’re a survivor.”

He screamed in anger and pounded his fists against Jack’s chest once, pushing him away. “You don’t understand, Harkness!”

Jack kept his voice calm and gentle but strong as he gathered the stray fists in his hands, “I lost Gray and my dad, remember? I know what it’s like to lose those you love.”

Owen paused fighting him and then his shoulders sagged. “I’m s-sorry." Owen started sobbing again, all fight drained out of him. "I w-want the pain to stop but I don’t either. I don’t want it to stop h-hurting ‘cause then I’ll forget. Don’t want to f-forget. But I can’t live with the p-pain.”

“After all these years I still feel pain in my heart when I remember Gray or dad. I try to focus on the good memories. It’s hard sometimes, but that is all I have left of them. Although, the pain isn’t as sharp anymore, now it’s bearable. It took time though. And no one will ever replace either of them, wouldn’t want them to.”

“She’s the only one I ever l-loved. H-how do you move on after that, w-without a future?”

Jack lifted Owen's chin with his fingers and stared straight into those shattered brown eyes. “Do you think she would want you to give up on your life? I know that if I died, I would want those I love to be happy and move on. I think she would want that for you too. What would you say if it was the other way around, if you left her?”

“I would want her to be h-happy.”

“I bet that’s what she wants for you from whatever afterlife she’s at out there.”

“I d-don’t know if I can.”

“You don’t have to know. Just try a day at a time. You will have bad days and you'll slip but what's important is to get up the next day and try again; to never give up.”

“Thanks Jack. I-I'll try." He gave him a strained smile. "It will be hard at Ianto’s stag party. I was supposed to be planning my wedding right now, instead I planned a funeral."

Jack lay down on the bed next to Owen and settled in, both man staring at the ceiling in silence for a few moments before Jack spoke again, “Don’t go then. Ianto would understand.”

“I don’t know…”

"He loves you too. He wouldn't want you to come if you felt uncomfortable."

Owen spat, "I don't want his pity!"

Jack rubbed the other man's hand. "He wouldn't pity you. He's had his share of losses too."

"I just..."

Turning to face Owen again Jack offered, “Let me talk to him.”

“I don’t want to ruin his wedding. He should be h-happy. At least one person should.”

“I know him getting married hurts but he would want to be there for you. You know our Ianto, he wouldn’t blame you.”

“I want to try. Please, don’t tell him.”

“I won’t then. Just please, don’t drink as much. It’s not good for you.”

He gave Jack a hopeful smile as he snorted, “I’ll try.”

Jack just flopped to the side and threw his arm around his friend's waist. "Sleep now, Owen. Think later."

“Oi! You gonna cuddle with me, Harkness?”

Jack chuckled as he cuddled in closer. “If that’s what it takes to get you to rest sober. Sleep now.”

....................................

The tux rental shop attendant eyed the two men that walked in. David Smith had started working the job two weeks ago and was still nervous when interacting with customers. The two men walked up to him and the pale dark haired one with sexy stormy-blue eyes, David was always drawn to pretty eyes, spoke in a melodic Welsh accent, “We have tuxes reserved under Jones.”

As the attendant looked through the computer system, he also peeked at the older man out of the corner of his eye. He showed off perfect teeth as he poked the Welshman in an endearing, playful way.

The beautiful eyed man huffed in annoyance, “Jack...”

The other man, tall, dark, and handsome, continued to poke the Welshman.

“Jack!” The sexy blue-eyed man grabbed his hands in an attempt to hold them still. The attendant smiled at the adorable interaction between them, wishing he could find a partner to click with so well.

David smirked. “I have here two reservations under Jones and may I say that it is nice to see gay couples committing themselves these days. And the chosen tuxes will match perfectly for the ceremony.”

The Welshman blushed deep red while the other man - Jack - seemed to recoil back into himself. Sexy blue-eyes stuttered, “Uh, we’re not… uhm, I’m… uh, not… he’s my… uh, best man.”

“Oh, sorry, I thought… sorry.” The attendant blushed from embarrassment. “I’m just going to go get them then.” He slipped away hurriedly into the back.

Jack was actually blushing, he never blushed. “Ianto, I… uh, I’m sor…”

“Doesn’t matter.” Ianto's voice was unemotional, distant.

They both waited, avoiding each other’s gazes and fidgeting nervously, for the attendant’s return.

…………………………..

Jack never felt comfortable in formal wear even though he wore suits to work on a regular basis (although refused to be bound by ties unless they bound him to the headboard). He much preferred the casual jeans and t-shirt look he wore on weekends. Trying to get the tux on was torture but he managed. Now, the tie was still a mystery.

Ianto, on the other hand, was very comfortable in suits and formal wear. They were his armor against the world, his mask.

When he came out of the dressing room, he was greeted by a spectacle of Jack struggling with his tie while murmuring curse words under his breath (some of them surprisingly in Welsh).

He smiled at the sight, a warm feeling passing through his body. Jack confused him. He was still the same man he remembered from Oxford and even still behaved in the same childish way. They still interacted the same, same banter, same feely-touchy, flirty Jack. But now he made Ianto nervous, almost giddy.

When they _had_ shared the flat, Ianto didn’t think twice about waking up in Jack’s arms on the sofa after falling asleep during a late night movie. He hadn’t let many people inside but Jack seemed to worm his way in without Ianto noticing. Their friendship was just… easy.

Until now.

He knew Jack always flirted with everyone and slept with many without regard for the person’s gender. But since yesterday, he felt Jack looking strangely at him sometimes, eyes borrowing into the back of his head. And when he'd look back, Jack’s gaze would always be somewhere else. That made him feel... unsettled.

He always thought Jack was at least kind of attracted to him; he was attracted to many people and Ianto (even without a Harkness sized ego) thought he was at least average looking. But for the first time, Ianto started to wonder whether he was attracted to Jack as well.

He’d caught himself describing Jack as gorgeous when telling Lisa about him, and did straight men think that way? That really _was_ dangerous thinking. He was getting married soon. And he was straight. He was!

Yet, in this moment, he was amused at Jack’s struggle and decided to help his friend and best man.

He walked up to Jack and grabbed his hands gently, their touching fingers sending electric shocks through his body he ignored. “Here, let me help.”

Ianto's stomach fluttered and he suppressed the feeling deep down. Suddenly, he couldn't wait to have Jack out of his life again. He wasn’t sure he could deal with all these perplexing feelings.

Ianto’s long, graceful fingers worked the tie quickly as Jack trembled under his intense gaze. Coming here not only brought all his feelings back out into the open but somehow Jack thought he felt them stronger. And he just wasn’t tough enough to be so close to Ianto physically yet so far away emotionally. The other man was untouchable.

Standing this close, Ianto’s scent filled his nostrils making him light headed; Jack's lips were almost touching the tips of Ianto’s hair. So close, just a small movement and he could kiss his forehead then move down to the jaw, earlobes, lips, those wonderful pink lips, and taste…

Jack pushed away. “Thanks.”

Confusion flickered behind Ianto’s eyes before his mask went back into place, “Uh, these are good then, yeah?”


	4. Thursday Evening

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to kerrjmf for adding a little spice of an idea to this chapter.

Ianto felt nervous about his stag party tonight. Not that he even wanted it in the first place but Lisa insisted he _needed_ ‘bloke time,’ whatever that meant. Now, he worried about how those invited would interact.

First, there were his old Oxford friends Jack and Owen, both well educated and highly successful with a totally insane streak. He hoped they wouldn't strip and run around Cardiff naked; he really didn't want to end up in a heddlu cell tonight.

Then there were his step-sister Gwen's police force partner, Andy, and her boyfriend, Rhys, a manager of a haulage firm. He didn't know Andy well except that he had a major crush on Gwen. Rhys was a good bloke to drink and watch rugby with. Actually, he didn’t remember ever doing anything else with him. Rhys also invited Banana Boat, he’d never met the bloke before but it’s not like he had control over anything anyway… so Banana joined the party.

Rhiannon, his sister, insisted he invite her husband, Johnny. He was a menial worker, currently unemployed, very Welsh kind of bloke, if hot-headed and a bit prejudiced. He worried about Jack getting punched for flirting or Owen for insulting him.

Lastly, Lisa invited Mickey from her work at the advertising agency whom Ianto had met only once before. He wasn't sure why Lisa would force someone on him aside from her hoping he'd make a new friend. Bugger.

The introductions were easy enough after which everyone sat watching each other and drinking their pints in an uncomfortable silence.

To break the ice, Jack went up to the bar and bought two rounds of whiskey shots for everyone. “Cheers!”

Rhys snickered. “You just want to get us pissed as fast as possible.”

Owen retorted playfully, "So he can have his wicked ways with all of us!"

Uncomfortable silence flowed around the group again until Johnny broke it. "You're a gay boy taking it up the arse?"

"Johnny!" Ianto scolded. "It doesn't matter. This is my night and if you don't fucking like it then leave."

Johnny looked chastised and Ianto felt bad all of a sudden realizing that Johnny never meant to be mean. He probably just tried to make conversation in his little thought out, brush manner.

Also, he may have been a tad touchy on the subject because of his new confusing feel... no, he was definitely just standing up for Jack, his best friend. Yup, just that.

"Sorry, Jack, mate. Didn't mean to be rude."

"No harm done." Jack looked around the awkward group and raised his glass, smiling wide. "To Ianto and his beautiful fiancé, may they have a wonderful wedding and an even better life together!"

Jack always knew how to start a party...

“Well, cheers!”

“Cheers!” they chorused and slammed shots of whiskey.

The rough atmosphere started to dissolve as each man in turn toasted Ianto. They had to buy more whiskey before the toasting was over after which they were all on their merry way to total inebriation.

Ianto would have been embarrassed about being the center of attention, he liked to be the wall flower, watching others while keeping a safe distance away (even in his more wild days he still liked to be in the background), but he was glad for the distraction.

The men who seemingly had little in common started to mingle comfortably with each other.

Jack and Mickey seemed to be involved in a _serious_ discussion about "selling sex" ( _really_ , _Jack?_ ) by global corporations that spiraled down into a debate regarding girls' used panties being sold in Japanese vending machines (they were both for it but Jack wanted boys’ underpants included in there as well).

Johnny and Owen found that they both had rough personalities and reduced themselves into giggling girls as they tried to demonstrate their knowledge of vulgar language by a "curse off" competition. Johnny's unfair advantage showed when he started cursing in Welsh which prompted Owen to accuse him of cheating. The tense situation was diffused by another round of pints.

It seemed that even Rhys was able to subdue his jealousy for the night (he knew about Andy’s crush on Gwen) and had a few pints with him.

Comfortable in his invisibility, Ianto leaned back and watched the interactions as he slammed pint after pint. The more alcohol he consumed, the more he was able to repress doubts scratching at his stomach, the fear that he was making a mistake, the uncertainty of who he was and what he wanted that plagued him every day.

He was a master of disguising emotions. He hated his job, never wanting to come back to Cardiff in the first place, but he went to work every day with a professional mask on. He was sick and tired of pretending, he took another shot of whiskey.

The entire time Jack talked to Mickey, he sat close to Ianto in the crowded bar and their thighs touched. Ianto wanted to run away and hide because it made him want... something. He wanted heat, wanted closer, wanted more... so he stayed in place while slamming another drink.

He loved Lisa, he really did, but sometimes he felt trapped. She wanted to buy a house, place down permanent roots, and build a family. He knew he wasn't ready, yet. Someday he'd like that but not now. He was terrified to tell her. He took a huge gulp from his pint.

He didn't notice the signs of trouble coming from Johnny until it was too late, catching bits and pieces of his conversation with Owen that included words like "embarrassing," "Uni," "naked," and "blackmail." He was sitting at the furthest end of the table from the two men and paled at Owen's devious expression.

Suddenly, it seemed like the whole table honed in on the same key words because everyone grew silent and stared at Owen while he was already in the middle of his story. "... so Harkness managed to get the acrobat twins on this. Poor teaboy had no idea about the supposed birthday present. Imagine acrobat twins, all that flexibility, and lots of frosting! A whole tub of frosting!"

He wished he could disappear beneath the ground as a blush tinged his cheeks. Those twins really were hot and wrestling in a tub of frosting had become a new kink but really, this was a need to know story. Jack swung his leg to nudge Ianto’s thigh, smiling slightly, and then rescued him. "Ianto wasn't the only shocked one there. Owen got a nice face full of frosting while trying to lick at very inappropriate places. The twins were very… amenable.”

The men whooped and cheered at Owen, Ianto was forgotten for the moment and very grateful to his best friend for the diversion.

"You're one to speak, Harkness; the least innocent one of us all. I remember you joining them in the tub of frosting, naked wresting! The twins were very appreciative."

Jack raised his glass. "How could I miss an opportunity like that!"

Johnny asked confused, “Aren’t you gay?”

Jack chuckled. “Mostly, but I can be flexible.”

The entire group laughed. Ianto always wondered why he seemed to embarrass so easily while Jack could turn the same events into making him seem even cooler than before. It had to be his dashing magnetism; one couldn't help but like him.

Andy asked with a baffled look on his face, "Wait, who’s teaboy?"

Owen responded, "Oi! Jonesey is teaboy."

Johnny was interested. "How'd he get that nickname?"

"No!" Ianto chimed in. "Only Owen calls-s me that 'cause he's a prat."

"He's so bloody proper and uptight. Served us like a butler when we’d visit their flat. He’d make us put all drinks on coasters and never let us rest our feet on the coffee table."

"Sod off! I don’t even drink tea, I only make coffee for those I like and you're off the list, Owen, unless you call me the Coffee King."

"Oi! I'm really hurting here, _teaboy_."

"Show you what instant tastes like...," mumbled Ianto.

Owen continued like he hadn't heard a word, "And a pissed Ianto is so much fun! Down goes the teaboy persona, the stoic butler, and out comes wild man. I dared him once to pickpocket a copper."

Andy, a copper, of course was interested in this story. "So what happened?"

"He stole the bloke's badge and left it on the floor of the loo. How he did it when he could barely walk himself and get away with it, I'd never know. That bloke’s got ninja powers; he can sneak up on anyone."

Again, they were all laughing and Ianto decided that he was just way too drunk to care anymore. "Harper, I remember a few destroyed laptops. He'd be so involved in playing his video games, I'd come up to him to ask something and he'd jump so high and spill anything he was drinking on his expensive machines."

"Like I said, ninja powers."

Mickey smirked. "Can he fight like a ninja too?"

Jack answered, "Oh, you have no idea. He defended me from a mugger once. We were in a club and I went out for a smoke. He thought I was taking too long and went to check on me. I was grateful ‘cause when he found me, this bloke was holding a gun to my head demanding all my money. The robber wouldn't believe me that all I had was twenty quid on me."

The table was all silent waiting for the rest of Jack's story. Ianto couldn't help but blush again.

"So, Ianto came down the alley, shouting at the guy. He yelled for the guy to let me go. The mugger turned the gun on Ianto but my brave Ianto just kept coming, yelling at the attacker that he didn’t have the balls to pull the trigger. He charged at the guy that way until he was a hand width from the gun. Then he pulled it out of the attacker’s grip and the bloke ran." Jack looked straight into Ianto’s glazed over smoky-blue eyes with a genuine smile. "He _is_ my hero."

The guys cheered and toasted to Ianto’s bravery. Meanwhile, the Welshman still felt uncomfortable with all the attention as he silently excused himself to the loo.

And of course Jack followed.

Ianto stared at his swimming image in the mirror. His body swayed from side to side as he clung to the side of the sink. God, he was pissed.

Jack settled in next to him, looking into his mirror image's eyes. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to embarrass you but you know you are. My hero, I mean. You saved my life."

"He wasn't gonna shoot anyway. T'was nothing."

"Ianto..." Jack clutched his hand, entwining their fingers together. "Thank you."

They held on for about a minute, staring at the eyes of each other's reflections, before Ianto shrugged him off. "Gotta use the toilet."

Jack was already gone when he was done.

When Ianto came outside, he was startled by a pale, Welsh naked arse running past by him before quickly disappearing into the crowd. He blinked a few times from shock… _was that Banana? Naked?_

He either imagined it or Banana Boat, _their Banana Boat_ , just streaked. After a few moments he shrugged his shoulders, maybe he had too much to drink after all.

Approaching their table, he noticed Jack was the first brave soul on stage attempting karaoke with Yellow Submarine by The Beatles; he had the whole bar singing along to his amazing vocals.

Then Owen and Johnny surprised him not just with their newfound friendship but a musical number (he didn't know either watched musicals), a duet singing Pretty Women from Sweeney Todd.

Mickey joined the fun reducing the whole bar to a sing along with his rendition of We Will Rock You by Queen.

After another round of whiskey shots Rhys yelled out drunkenly, "Yanntoooe! You need to s-sing up there!"

"No w-way!" He paled and shook his head, panicking. Jack pressed up against his body and whispered into his ear, leaving Ianto’s entire body shivering from ( _excitement_ ) nerves, "Come on, you have a gorgeous voice and you know it."

They were all drunk (although Jack seemed to be almost sober). Ianto giggled, he was so pissed. Could he really do it? Was he pissed enough to perform?

"What s-song, Jack?"

Jack grabbed his sleeve and dragged him away. "Let's pick one!"

Ianto really couldn't help himself, he was giggling like a teenage school girl with a crush. The alcohol was making his brain fuzzy and Jack smelled so good, so good. His hand placed on his arm burned through the fabric, all heat ( _desire_ ) and the adrenaline from the coming up performance coursed through his veins... so he laughed some more, existing in a wonderful state of delirium.

And as he giggled (couldn’t stop even though he tried) while flipping through the songs, he chose The Boy is Mine by Brandy and Monica to sing with Jack as a duet. Sniggering, he thought it'd be funny. After the night was over, he'd swear it was Jack's choice, but sub-consciously would know to the contrary.

Nervous about getting on stage, Jack bought him another shot beforehand, which he slammed. How many was that already?

Grabbing Jack's hand as his friend led him on stage, he didn't let go for the entire song. Nausea churned within his stomach, stabbing pain and rats gnawing at his insides but he survived through it. Proud of himself for getting through (most of) the song with minimal giggling, he smiled sweetly at Jack.

Thankfully, the whole bar was just as drunk and they received cheers and whistles at the end.

After his duet with Ianto, Jack caught up with Owen, who'd been doing surprisingly well tonight with not being an intoxicated mess. They stood at the bar together, waiting for their latest drink orders.

Jack asked, "Owen, that’s a rum and coke?"

"Actually, just a coke. I've been... trying."

Jack ruffled his hair. "Proud of you."

"Yeah, yeah. Keep your hands to yourself, Harkness."

The rest of the event was a noisy, chaotic haze as his mates laughed, drunk some more, and told amazing (and hopefully at least some of them made up) stories. Banana finally joined up with them again ( _was he even missing?)_ clothed, but Ianto still wondered if he really saw the man’s naked arse earlier that evening. Eventually all the men, one by one, said their goodbyes and Jack was left alone with a very drunk Ianto to take back to his flat.


	5. Thursday Late Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter boarders on NC-17 but I don't think it is too explicit.

Since Lisa stayed at a hotel and spa after her hen night, Jack knew it was up to him to get Ianto home and settled safely. He didn’t mind the responsibility, but as the night progressed, it became harder and harder to keep his hands to himself. Nevertheless, he was the only one able to take care of an utterly pissed Ianto tonight.

The stars twinkled in the clear, cool night as Jack held Ianto close to him, bundled up in his World War II era RAF greatcoat (some thought it was camp but he loved it). He'd purchased it about five years ago during a trip to London.

_When walking in Camden Town, London, they passed a little shop display. Suddenly, Ianto just stopped. Jack, interested in what had distracted him, followed his gaze and settled on the coat._

_A huge grin adorned his face. “Ianto, didn’t know you had a fetish for military gear.”_

_The Welshman blushed._

_Jack dragged him into the store among half-arsed protests and made him try it on. He had to admit that Ianto looked hot in it but Ianto insisted it wasn’t him. Then Jack tried it on and it fit perfectly. Admiring himself in the mirror, he smiled with the Harkness Grin and it felt ‘right.’_

_Walking out of the store, coat tails swishing marvelously as they trailed behind, he heard Ianto speak in his beautiful Welsh vowels, “By the way, love the coat.”_

.

Jack had a hard time keeping Ianto up and walking straight as the other man clumsily blabbed about stars, planets, and the possibilities of alien life forms.

He ached to hold the happy and inebriated Ianto close against his body, warmth heating his cool skin. The proximity sent his heart fluttering uncontrollably, crushing against his chest, making it difficult to breathe.

With his left arm wrapped around the narrow waist, his fingers splaying against the hipbone, the touch felt hopelessly intimate, yet he couldn't bring himself to let go. His right hand held Ianto’s left, their fingers entwined similar to a Celtic knot. Falling helplessly into the dark abyss of desire as Ianto’s right arm fell back, brushing gently against his behind, he painfully held back… everything inside.

“It only makessense, you s-see? The u-universsse is biiig..." Ianto's hands flung out (temporarily leaving their wonderful placement) putting the maximum amount of distance between them to demonstrate how big as Jack stumbled and held on tighter to Ianto’s slippery form. "... so there mussst be ali-ali-aliens. S-see?”

“Uh, yeah makes sense.” Jack nodded feigning agreement as he maneuvered Ianto around a group of drunk women almost knocking into them.

Street lamps shined down the dark roads in patches of glistening lights, illuminating Ianto’s beautiful facial features as they moved between the glowing pools. The eerily beautiful shadows moved around Ianto’s face, enhancing the lips, button nose, arched eyebrows, and cheekbones as if inside a heated lava lamp.

Ianto giggled ( _again_ ) like he'd been all evening. Jack loved seeing the other man so open and carefree, so… blissful. He smiled.

“There mus-st be other p-planetses like Earth-th and may-maybe other people-like aliens… And s-some weird l-looking onesss. Non p-people aliens-s.”

Jack was amused at how the usually reserved, quiet Welshman turned into a rambling chatterbox when drunk. He missed this; missed the beautiful Welsh vowels.

"A-and mayyybe there are s-secret alien hunting org-org-organizations. Yeah? And they, you know, know it all. And we, we are all b-blind to the w-wonders of the universes. Not w-watching the s-starss. But they know; and they f-fight for us."

He missed their pranks and wild adventures. He missed the dry wit and smiles on those perfect pink lips. He missed cuddling in bed after a night at the pub. He missed Ianto.

"And mayyybe some good ali-aliens. S-some wanna talks to us. Just so b-big out there. S-so much! And time t-travel must be possible. It m-must! The future..."

However, Jack's amusement ceased after reaching Ianto’s building.

Ianto lived on the fifth floor and Ianto’s building didn’t have a bloody lift. When trying to get Ianto upstairs, the other man could not get the coordination of putting one foot down in front of the other while lifting them high enough to take the stairs. He also didn't make things easier by giggling loudly and flailing his arms in amusement each time he missed a step.

Jack eventually gave up and threw Ianto over his shoulder, arse high in the air, as he carried the loudly protesting (although still giggling insanely) man. “J'ack! Put. Me. D-down!”

“Shh, you’ll wake up the neighbors. Or worse, we'll get arrested.”

“No! D-don’t! 'ack!”

Jack tried projecting his words in a whisper, “Hush!"

"I'm n-not your bloody wife, you c-can’t manhandle m-me!"

Frustrated and really fearing someone would call the police, Jack sat Ianto down mid flight on the cold concrete stairs. “Ianto, look at me.”

Further hysterical giggles escaped Ianto’s lips, deliciously pink li... _He was in so much trouble._

Grabbing the younger man’s chin, he tried forcing Ianto into make eye contact. Noticing the dilated pupils and watery eyes, he saw his friend struggle in keeping the connection as the stormy blues went in and out of focus.

“Focus right here.” He pointed to his eyes and waited until, eventually, Ianto’s eyes seemed to meet his for more than a few seconds. “Good. We need to get you upstairs, understand?”

Ianto nodded and giggled, although less frantically.

“You tried to walk up but we weren’t getting anywhere. I need to carry you up, ok?” He saw Ianto hesitate then giggle again so Jack used his best pout and pleading voice, “Pretty please, Tiger Pants?”

After an initial burst of giggles, Ianto sobered and nodded. This time, Jack placed one arm under his back and the other under the knees and lifted the surprisingly light body.

Ianto curled up against him, arms around Jack’s neck, and tucked his head into his chest, making the older man’s heart ache from the trust of the gesture. Ianto's giggling slowly ceased as his chest moved up and down, breathing slowly relaxing, melting into Jack’s embrace.

Holding him securely, Ianto snuggled still deeper into his arms. The Welshman really didn't realize how sweet and adorable he was. It pained Jack to be in his position, holding this vulnerable, wonderful being so close to his heart.

They finally made it up to the fifth floor flat and Jack stood Ianto down. “Ianto. We need the keys.”

“Oh!” Ianto patted his trouser pockets and stumbled, trying to put his hand inside them, missing the opening a few times. “I th-think... I have it h-here.”

"You think, Ianto?"

_Please_ , he really didn't want to entertain the idea of having to find another place for the night… with Ianto in his current state.

Ianto gave him a sheepish smile as he continued to struggle getting his hand inside his pocket, hearing a jingle after one of the attempts. "I hear it ins my p-pocketses." The younger man giggled, again.

Jack laughed and then gently moved Ianto’s hand, the contact sending shudders down his body. He had to get a hold of himself and focus, Ianto depended on him.

Ianto, through his alcohol-induced numbness, felt Jack’s fingers on his body sending waves of desire through every nerve; Ianto cursed his body’s response - in Welsh.

Jack laughed. "Speaking Welsh now, are you?"

Ianto gave him another smile, a shy one, it seemed like that was the only response he was cognitively capable of producing right now. He cursed again in Welsh, silently.

Jack’s hand reached into the pocket, trying to get in and out without lingering but Ianto felt the brush, almost a tickle, against the sensitive joint between his hips and thighs; the touch accidental yet so intimate that time appeared to slow down.

Suddenly, Ianto’s senses seemed sharper than ever, almost like he was seeing life through HD. The peeling grey-blue walls matched Jack’s coat perfectly as a single light bulb above his head beamed a pool of light, creating shadows from individual strands of hair.

He wanted to run his fingers through Jack’s hair, _needing_ to know its texture.

Jack’s fingers curled around the keys and froze in place as long pale fingers stroked his soft tresses; one by one the stands fell through, leaving a lingering tingling sensation on Ianto’s finger pads. The movement mesmerized both men; they held their breaths.

The moment was broken as the light flickered and sizzled, they awkwardly jumped away from each other.

Jack easily opened the door and steered the still dazed Ianto inside without a fuss.

As if the familiarity of his flat snapped him out of his fantasy, Ianto asked, “C-coffee, Jack?”

“Nope. I’m getting you to bed so you can sleep it off.”

“Jack…”

In his alcohol-influenced state, Ianto was no match to Jack’s strength and before he knew it, he found himself dragged into the bedroom. He sat on the edge of the bed as Jack went down on his knees to take off his shoes and socks.

Looking down through hooded eyelids, Ianto thought about Jack… about Jack being right there; so close he could almost feel the other man’s breath _there_. Unwilling to let his thoughts run away further, Ianto fell back to lie on the bed and groaned, “S-so tir'd.”

“I’ll just get you out of your clothes and then tuck you in nice and tight, ‘k?”

Ianto, wanting to help, started trying to unbutton his shirt but his useless fingers stumbled over the buttons. Jack sat next to him and reached down as his voice spoke gently, almost like to a wounded animal, “Oh, Ianto. Here, let me help you.”

Ianto watched Jack’s deeply focused expression as the other man slowly made his way through each button. His head swam as he thought that this, another man… Jack, should not be such an erotic sight. He was getting married; married to Lisa.

Jack was his friend, had been for years. So why was his heart beating faster and breathing growing erratic as the buttons loudly snapped open one by one?

Ianto, caught up in his own thoughts, didn’t notice Jack’s awareness of the swift rise and fall of his chest or how the pale flesh glowed in the dim light of the room, the patches of dark curly hair tempting him to run his hands through. Lost in the moment of watching the intensity of those brilliant blue eyes, Ianto missed his hardening nipples enticing Jack as he brushed the skin lightly, giving in for a moment, just a minute moment, to linger.

Placing his arms around Ianto’s waist, Jack helped him sit up and gently removed the shirt, sleeve by sleeve, blushing (what the hell, Jack never blushed). “We have to get your pants off.”

Ianto groaned and fell back down onto the bed; he really couldn't care less if Jack saw his erection right now. The room spun as his mind recalled every lingering touch, every rough breath; he just really couldn't think at all anymore.

“I’ll take that as a yes.” Jack chuckled.

Carefully undoing the button and zip, Jack’s hands shook; it was torture. Ianto was drunk, vulnerable, and hard as a rock. And he couldn’t…

Sliding his fingers under the waistband one word, his trembling fingers brushed the almost bare skin underneath, just a thin piece of fabric separated them. It was almost too much, he swore to himself that he would just get Ianto tucked in and then leave, no cuddling this time; Ianto wasn’t his, could never be his.

The trousers slid down his body effortlessly as Ianto lifted his hips to help. Jack stood up hastily and lifted a corner of the cover. “Come on, in you go.”

Ianto gazed up to meet Jack’s sparkling blue eyes. “Thanks, Jack.”  He scrambled underneath and turned his gaze, the smoky blues staring back at Jack keenly. “Please s-stay?”

“I’ll sleep in the guest room.”

“No, here with m-me, l-like we us-sed to.”

Jack hesitated, he badly wanted to pretend for just one night that Ianto was his, as delusional as that was. He wasn’t sure, though, if he could restrain himself from attempting something they would both come to regret the next day if he stayed. Ianto was getting married in _two_ days…

But he wanted to (Ianto was slurring his words), really wanted to (Ianto couldn’t walk up the stairs or undress by himself), exceedingly wanted to (Ianto was too pissed to consent, wasn’t he?)… this was such a bad idea.

“Yeah, ok.”

Jack shrugged his clothes off down to his pants in a flash (years of practice) as Ianto scooted to one side of the bed, leaving room for him. He slid next to the Welshman under the sheets already warm from the other man’s body heat and shivered. It felt familiar because they’d done this so many times in the past, yet something was different tonight, an invisible wall between them started to crumble.

Ianto felt the pull of Jack’s body heat, so warm in the cold night. Without thinking, his muddled brain drove him to snuggle into the warmth; head tucked into the corner between Jack's shoulder and chin, arm slung possessively over his chest, he sighed in contentment.

Jack, surprised by the unexpectedly snuggling Ianto, jumped back; this really was a bad idea. “Ianto?”

The other man reflexively closed the space between them and let out a comfortable, “Hmm?”

Jack grabbed Ianto’s hands, the contact scolding his skin, and pushed them away decisively. “I can’t do this. I’m going.”

“What’s w-wrong?” Confusion crept into every crease of Ianto's face.

“Ianto…” Jack sighed in frustration. “I… You are so irritating, you know that? Just let me go, please.” He pushed back and leapt out of bed.

Ianto sat up with wide, shocked eyes and pled with a broken voice to Jack’s retreating back, “Jack p-please. What d-did I do?”

The shattered voice grated on his soul and stopped Jack in his tracks. He couldn’t hide his own exasperation as he spoke, his voice laced dangerously with ice, “What do you want from me, Ianto?”

“W-what?”

The worst time to have this conversation but he continued anyway, “It’s not your fault. I’m sorry, it’s me. Please don’t ask. Just go to sleep.”

“Jack, turn a-around and look at m-me. You’re my best f-friend, _please_...”

It was the utter distress in Ianto's broken voice that shattered his soul. Jack wondered whether it was time to finally tell the truth. It would change their relationship forever, most likely making Ianto hate him, but that might make it easier to let his friend go and leave him to his life while he tried to move on, again.

Jack turned slowly and sat back down on the bed, holding Ianto’s gaze, his entire body trembled in terror; he was about to tell Ianto everything… or maybe just some of it. “Ianto, I…”

Ianto’s hand came up to his cheek. “Your sh-shaking J-jack.”

He covered Ianto’s hand with his and closed his eyes momentarily. Taking a deep breath, he struggled to control his voice as he spoke, “I’m sorry Ianto… I just… How do you tell your best friend who is completely not interested, completely straight that you like him?”

Ianto gasped, “W-what?”

“Ianto, I’ve had feelings for you for years and I’m sorry but if I stay in your bed, I won’t be able to resist kissing you. And that’s wrong on so many levels so I… I need to go.”

“Jack… I’m…”

Jack hushed him by placing a finger on Ianto’s lips. “Don’t. Just let me walk away, pretend like I didn’t say anything so we could still be friends tomorrow.” Tears gathered in the corners of his eyes. “ _Please_.”

Ianto looked up at Jack through his eyelashes, shyly. “What if I w-want you to k-kiss me?”

Frozen from shock, Jack took a moment to compose himself before reacting. “W-what? You don’t know what you’re asking for. You are getting married in less than two days.” He grabbed Ianto’s shoulders, almost shaking the younger man. “Married, Ianto! Married!”

Without another word, Ianto swiftly leaned in and pressed his lips chastely against Jack’s, sending sparks coursing through their bodies. Ianto lingered, lightly brushing their unmoving lips together, but not taking the kiss deeper.

When they pulled way, a force of energy pulsated back and forth between them through the thick silence of the room. Lights from passing cars shone eerily from behind the curtains as the two men stared at each other, breathing hard, neither man moving a muscle, not even blinking.

Suddenly, Ianto grabbed Jack’s neck from behind and swiftly pulled his entire body onto the bed, laying Jack down on top of himself. Jack’s body was alighted hip to hip as they pressed their lips together again. The older man was still shaking uncontrollably, guilt and need competing; with the need for Ianto winning out, the _Ianto_ currently in his arms, the _Ianto_ currently kissing his lips, the _Ianto_ whose hips fit so perfectly with his.

Encouraged by Jack’s acquiescence, Ianto gave in to the moment fully. He swiped his tongue along the other man’s lips before nibbling on the bottom making Jack gasp while opening his mouth enough for Ianto to stick his tongue inside.

Jack tasted delicious and exciting and comforting at the same time. Ianto groaned and rolled his hips, eliciting a similar moan from Jack. Ianto had never felt another man’s erection, especially not one pressing against his, separated only by a thin barrier of clothing. He never thought he’d want to feel another man like this and _yet_ …

Ianto rolled his hips again, craving more contact… more friction… more… just _more._

Lost in each other, it was all want and need now focused as the electricity, desire, heat, longing, and passion flowed between their two bodies, pushing and pulling into a unique rhythm attuned specifically just for them.

Jack's tongue played with Ianto's but he let the other man dominate, take whatever he wanted. He was helpless floating in this dream, one he’d dreamt during lonely night for so many years… a dream he dreaded would end too soon.

Jack broke away, breathing hard, body still shaking, and made one last feeble protest, “Ianto…”

Ianto’s response was quick and confident, “S-shut up, Jack.” To reinforce his point, Ianto lifted his head and thrust his tongue inside Jack’s mouth again. Gaining confidence, his hands explored Jack's body freely. It was hard, all plains and straining muscles. It was new and thrilling but familiar. It was home.


	6. Friday Morning

Morning light shined through the curtains in streaks, Ianto’s pounding headache reminding him of the amount of alcohol consumed the previous night. His body felt like he was hit by a lorry traveling down the M4. As he groaned, his eyes fluttered open and then immediately closed shutting out the painful light, disjointed memories flooded his brain; memories of bright blue eyes, strong muscular arms, and delicious lips.

Shit.

His eyes popped open and he saw an arm lay wrapped possessively around his hip; he found himself curled around Jack’s tanned body.

They'd kissed!

Worse, it had been an almost pornographic snog! It had been lips and teeth and tongues and hands wandering about. It had been hips rolling together.

And he'd felt up Jack’s arse!

And he’d rubbed his hard… fuck!

Ianto sat up quickly, panic burning through his muscles, and untangled himself from the other man without disturbing his still deeply sleeping form. Thank God he still had his pants on. That had to mean that they hadn't ( _had they?_ ) done anything other than snog, well, snog and grope. Well, snog and grope and rub against each other.

He didn’t think so.

But still, shit.

Sneaking off into the loo, he locked the door behind him. Staring at his haggard (disheveled) face in the mirror, kiss swollen lips and tousled hair, Ianto paled.

He'd kissed a man.

He'd kissed a male friend.

He'd kissed Jack.

His Jack!

Guilt flooded every cell of his body; he'd cheated on Lisa. Oh, God, he'd cheated on Lisa.

Bugger.

He’d cheated on Lisa with a man.

Fuck.

He'd cheated on Lisa with Jack!

Well, just fuck.

A day before the bloody wedding, he'd bloody cheated on Lisa.

Cachi. Fwcar. Ast. Pen coc. Twill tin. Haliwr. Basdun.

After running through a string of profanity in Welsh he backed up against the wall and slid onto the ground; knees tucked into his body with his forehead touching them, he let silent tears fall.

At least it was _only_ a kiss ( _hands groping and bodies rubbing and hips rolling against each other_ ) but even he knew through the blurry memories that he'd initiated it, even _insisted_ on it. He'd dominated it!

There was too much to do, he had a day filled with last minute family engagements prior to the wedding ( _shit_ ); lunch with his sisters, visiting his mum, and dinner… the dreaded rehearsal dinner ( _cachi_ ).

So, he gathered himself up off the floor and splashed cold water on his face. Looking again at his image in the mirror, he suppressed all the self-hating, self-depreciating thoughts and feelings deep down inside and transformed his face into an unemotional mask. This would have to do for today.

Back in the bedroom, he watched Jack’s sleeping form in his (and Lisa’s, _bugger_ ) bed and felt guilt wash over him again. Jack had told him about his feelings and he'd taken advantage of his best friend because he was confused, had cold feet before the wedding, wanted to explore his sexuality; pick any excuse.

And he'd _used_ his best friend.

The realization slammed into him like jack hammer. Shit, Jack had feelings for him. More than friend feelings... Were they more than just physical attraction feelings?

So now he felt, well, double guilty ( _was that even possible?_ ) for betraying his fiancé and his best friend. And he had no idea what he was going to do.

Jack stirred. “Ianto, ‘wake?”

The Welshman jumped as the rousing figure brought him out of his reverie. “Yeah, I’m going to make us some coffee to help with this hangover. Want some?”

Jack’s sleep addled voice cracked as he spoke, “Always.”

He threw on a vest and made his way into the kitchen, escaping barely waiting for Jack’s response.

Making coffee, grinding the beans, pressing all the right buttons, checking the temperature, all those well practiced moves served to alleviate his stress. The beauty, the Zen in the act of making coffee, centered and calmed him.

“Hmm, smells good, as always.”

The voice from behind startled him and the moment of peace ended. Jack was right behind him, so close he could feel his body heat and hot breath against his ear.

It took all his strength to keep his voice level, “My new special blend; I’m mixing my own beans now.”

“Improving upon perfection?”

“Jack…”

“I know, we gotta talk,” he interrupted gently and then sat at the table, waiting patiently.

Ianto placed a cup of coffee in front of Jack and sat down opposite with his. Jack raised the cup to his lips and took a sip, moaning appreciatively ( _disturbingly pornographically_ ).

Ianto gazed at him and tried desperately to rein in stray memories from the night before. They flowed through him like ocean waves, flooding his body with desire, need… and guilt, yeah, plenty of guilt.

Jack looked up at him. “I’m sor…”

“Let me talk first, please,” Ianto interrupted while looking at his hands fumbling with the coffee cup. “Jack, I’m sorry. I used you…”

Jack refused to let Ianto take the blame for last night. “No, you didn’t…”

“Jack, please let me talk. I did, I was confused, drunk, had cold feet or whatever excuse you want to use, but in the end, I’ve had certain feelings, feelings I never had toward a man before, and I acted without thinking. And I’m sorry. I used you and I cheated on Lisa and the guilt will follow me around forever. I hope we can go back to being friends but I would understand if you can’t.”

Jack let out the breath he’d been holding and took another sip of his coffee. “I’ll always be your friend, Ianto, as long as you need me. I was probably more of a willing participant than you were last night, not as drunk, and should have been in better control of myself. I _should_ have just left and I’m sorry for being weak.”

Ianto took a deep breath, preparing for what he knew would be hurtful to Jack. “I know that, after last night, we just can’t be like we’ve always been anymore. We have to be just friends and that means no flirting and no touching, Jack. It’s been weird with the tux shop attendant and others giving us strange looks. I have to focus on Lisa, fix us.”

To his credit, Jack's face gave nothing away. “I promise I’ll behave. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy, Ianto, and I never expected it to be me that made you happy.”

Ianto had to hold back the tears from falling from his eyes. He ached for his best friend, the one person he never wanted to hurt, but he couldn’t give Jack any more than he already had. “Jack…”

Ianto leaned over to place his hand on Jack’s cheek, wanting to comfort his friend, but before he reached the skin Jack’s hand caught his in the air. “Please don’t. I need to go. I’ll move my stuff, get a hotel room.”

“Maybe that’s best but, uh, will you still be my…”

Jack interrupted before Ianto could finish the question. “Of course I will, Ianto. I just think we should put some space between us. I’ll see you Saturday morning.”

“But the dinner?”

The dinner included both, Ianto and Lisa’s, families and it would be such a bad idea for Jack to be there but… “Would you be comfortable with me there?”

“Please?”

“I’ll call you a few hours before and you tell me then if you still want me there.”

Ianto reached his hand out and grabbed Jack’s wrist right after Jack got up from his chair. “Jack, I…”

Jack leaned in a placed a kiss on his cheek, lingering just a little longer than appropriate. “Goodbye, Ianto.”

Ianto sat frozen at his table, watching silently as Jack dressed, packed, and then left. Tears formed at the corners of his eyes but he refused to shed them until after Jack left.

It was a mess, he didn’t want to hurt Lisa or Jack but it seemed he fucked up and hurt everyone he loved. And he realized at that moment that yes, he did love them both.

...............................

“Owen!” Tosh waved her hand in the air trying to get his attention. His eyes lit up when he saw her and he gave her a hug before sitting down.

“Have fun last night?”

“Oh, Lisa’s hen night was so much fun. We drank and played games. God, Gwen played 'who was your last snog' like we're in grade school. If there were boys' there, I'd bet we'd have played 'spin the bottle' or some shit like that. They kept the spa open for us really late and we got mani-pedis while sipping champagne so it started out really classy. It ended with…" She giggled and blushed. “… strippers and vodka shots.”

As opposed to the day before, today was warm and unbelievably sunny and clear. They sat cradling their warm coffees at a café close to the Plas, Tosh smiled widely at him. "Nice weather. I hope it continues tomorrow for the wedding. And how was last night, Owen? Did the boys get into any trouble?”

“Ianto’s stag do was, well, interesting. The weirdest set of blokes I’ve ever met, especially when drunk.”

“And you, Owen? Still drinking?”

Owen looked sheepish, apologetic (a foreign look on his face). “I… I want to apologize for yesterday. I was going through, uh, my fiancé died and I was, uh, hurting real bad and that’s no excuse for putting you in that position.”

Her heart broke at his admission and she had to use all her self control not to wrap him up in a hug. It wasn’t appropriate and probably not welcomed either. Instead she decided to just be a friend.

“I’m sorry, Owen. You don’t need to apologize. I’m glad I could be there to help.”

“It really hurts, Toshie, but drinking isn’t the answer, as cliché as that sounds.”

Tosh smiled at his use of the old nickname, suddenly feeling more comfortable in the friend role then she ever had before. “So, now tell me more about the interesting night?”

"One word, Tosh, karaoke!"

................................

Ianto was still sitting at the table, numb, cradling the same cup of coffee, long forgotten and gone cold, in front of him when he heard keys scraping at the door.

It could only be Lisa; Jack couldn't get out of the flat fast enough earlier. Lisa. He'd betrayed her and now he’d have to face her.

Still unsure whether to tell her or not, he waited for… something.

Telling her would be the honest thing to do. It would start his marriage on an honest note. He loved her and she loved him, but was it enough to get past his infidelity? Could he lose her before they had a chance?

Not telling Lisa would spare her the pain and it was _only_ a kiss. He could keep it to himself and never, ever betray her trust again. He'd be the perfect husband from now on and she'd never have to know. But could he lie to her for years to come? Would it destroy his soul? If she found out years from now from someone else, would it hurt more? Would it break her?

He ran out of time to deliberate as a smiling Lisa sat in front of him, in the same seat Jack vacated just hours ago.

"Hangover, honey?"

He groaned; he'd let her believe he was just sick and hungover… for now.

"How was your night?"

He groaned again. "I love you."

She laughed and hugged him. "I love you too. So, can I then tell you about mine?"

Nodding, he decided it'd be better if he just let her fill the silence while the guilt inside ripped him apart.


	7. Friday Afternoon

Ianto sat outside at his favorite café, his legs twitched nervously under the round metal table but his face remained stoic (he hoped). Last night and this morning with Jack had been a whirlwind of confusion leaving him to question the entire wedding, bugger, even his entire life.

When Lisa had come home she'd talked and he'd listened, relieved to avoid further scrutiny before he decided what to do. Was Lisa who he wanted? Was Jack? Did he even know himself enough to know what he wanted? Was he even good enough to be with someone as wonderful as Lisa or Jack? And how did he manage to go from straight to seriously considering _dating_ a man in just a few days? Better yet, to go from straight to considering _leaving_ his beautiful _fiancé_ for am man ( _for Jack_ )?

How did his life get so broken?

.

_He came back to Cardiff four years ago for his family, actually, to take care of his sick mam after the accident. She now permanently lived in Providence Park; he hated going there but loved his mam enough to visit at least once a week. Living here also meant he was closer to his tad, the one person that he'd rather be far, far away from._

_He gave up the life he wanted for a life he felt he was obligated to have. His tad was responsible for his mam’s care but he just threw money at her and hoped for the best. Tad had remarried and never visited anymore. This left Ianto’s confused mam in a state more often than not, especially since she had to find out every day anew that her husband had left her. Ianto hated seeing her suffer so he took the responsibility for her emotional care._

_The only light in those first miserable days back then had been Lisa. When she glided into the room behind Gwen he couldn’t take his eyes off her. She was beautiful. Over the next few months, he found out her inside matched the outside. She was intelligent, kind, and gentle; his life, his light, his everything._

.

Ianto sighed audibly, when did everything get so messed up? How had he been so blind to Jack's feelings for all that time? Had he been blind to his own feelings as well?

He still loved Lisa. She was his savior in those dark days and maybe that was the problem… Maybe he didn’t need or want someone else to save anymore? After stripping that away, where did it leave their relationship?

Feeling unsure and confused the day before his wedding, he couldn’t even find any time alone to think. A million last minute preparations plagued his mind when all he wanted was to hole up in a cave and disappear.

As thoughts of escape pestered his mind, Gwen and Rhiannon made their way through the crowd to join him for lunch.

“Ianto!” Gwen's large hazel eyes and wide gap-toothed sweet smile painfully grated at the essence of his very being. He stifled a groan as her arms enveloped him; he was not in the mood to pretend being cheerful. Not being naturally a touchy-feely kind of person, he hated being touched ( _except by Lisa and Jack_ , his subconscious whispered).

Rhi rolled her eyes. “Forgive her, Ianto, she’s a little overexcited about the wedding.” He’d grown up with his older sister knowing him better than anyone and he feared that she would know something was wrong by just looking at him.

As a distraction, Ianto quirked his eyebrow at Gwen and deadpanned, “Why don’t you have one of your own then? I bet Rhys would happily oblige.”

She smacked his arm. “Oi! I’ll forgive that just for today. He’ll ask… soon, I hope.”

Rhys was completely in love with her, he was just having a few doubts about her ability to stay faithful after that affair she had with another copper (not Andy, to Andy’s grievance). Rhys told Ianto drunkenly one night over rugby that he wanted to make her sweat for a little while longer. Ianto had suppressed a smile as he swore to keep his secret.

Rhi questioned, “Hung over from the stag night?”

“Of course, that’s why it was yesterday and not tonight. Lisa would kill me if I showed up at the altar with blood shot eyes and a pounding headache; worse still, if I ruined the bloody pictures.”

They talked for a little under an hour, his sisters asking questions about the wedding and honeymoon plans. He hated all the probing but at least their attention was on the wedding on not on the dark circles under his eyes or the look of complete dread in his eyes. He briefly considered coming clean and asking for advice but their giddiness, high pitched squeals, and glazed-over eyes acted as a deterrent (not that he needed much persuading).

When Gwen excused herself to the loo, Rhi’s expression changed drastically. She looked at him quizzically and demanded, “What’s wrong? Spill.”

Ianto, who was at the same time taking a sip, spluttered, dripping coffee down his chin. “What?”

“I’ve known you since you were still a thought in our parents’ minds, you can’t hide from me. Something’s wrong, I can tell. So spill and be honest, I can always tell when you lie.”

Ianto stared, mouth gaping open and immobile from shock. Well, if Rhi was fishing, now she’d be sure he was hiding something.

He took a napkin and swiped at the dribble on his face, taking his time as he quickly assessed the pros and cons of honesty. Deciding on a carefully crafted half truth, he crafted his words carefully, “I think I’m having second thoughts… about the wedding.”

Uncomfortable silence surrounded them as Rhi’s penetrating gaze drove Ianto to avert eye contact.

“And?”

“And…” His voice did not just rise an octave higher. Nope, did not happen.

“The whole story, Ianto.”

“And… I don’t know if she is right for me. And…” He sounded like a child explaining away a broken window to his mother. “I kissed someone else last night.” He added softly, “Ortechnicallythismorning.”

“What?”

Clearing his throat Ianto repeated as he blushed, “Or technically this morning.”

His confession shocked Rhi, her mouth hung wide open; she closed her mouth, opened it as if to speak, and then closed it again. This was the last thing she'd expected her little brother to declare.

Gwen, with perfect timing, plopped back down on her seat. “That loo was disgusting. Do they never clean?” She glanced between the two silent siblings as she felt the uncomfortable tension. “Uh, what did I miss?”

Ianto mumbled into his coffee, “Nothing.”

Rhi forced a smile at her step-sister and spoke through clenched teeth, “Gwen, honey, can you pay for us? I have to get back to my kids and need a word with Ianto alone before we leave.”

Looking uncomfortable, she grabbed her purse and got up quickly, almost knocking over her chair. “Sure.”

Once they were alone again, Rhi looked sternly back at Ianto and sighed. “I can’t tell you what to do but you are getting married tomorrow, Ianto. Make sure it is what you want. Getting married, if you’re not ready, will just end up hurting you both in the end. Figure it out. Oh, and tell her about the kiss before you’re both standing at the altar, otherwise it will come back to bite you in the arse later.”

"What if she... leaves me?" His voice was barely above a whisper.

"Then you only have yourself to blame. You do not want to start a marriage on a lie, yeah?"

He looked resigned. "Yeah..."

"Ianto?" He looked up at her as she spoke, "Ianto, I will love you no matter what, understand? No matter how badly you ever mess up, you can always come to me."

He nodded, thankful for her unconditional love and support. And after tomorrow, she maybe the only one he’d have left.

...........................

He walked down the white, sterile halls past the nurses in light blue scrubs, doctors in white coats holding clipboards, and patients in grey robes and slippers. Smelling the pungent disinfectant, he crinkled his nose. The florescent lighting made everything look washed out, almost as if he’d entered another dimension or, more precisely, one of Dante’s circles of Hell. He hated this place.

A commotion behind him sent the nurses running. Grunts, yells, and objects crashing from a fight echoed through the hall as Ianto calmly walked ahead without turning. He was too used to this. He _really_ hated this place.

Room 456… he knew the number well. He’d been visiting her here for years since his move back to Cardiff. He hated that number, he hated that room. But he loved her, always would.

His hand trembled as he reached to knock; hesitating for a moment, he took a deep breath and rapped three times on the cold metal door.

“Come in.” Her voice sounded weak, unsure.

He walked in to find her sitting on a chair facing the window in sweat pants and an oversized t-shirt holding a thick notebook in her hands, pages crinkled and falling out of their binding.

He hesitated a moment before speaking, “Mam?”

She turned slowly. “Ianto! You look…” Tears streamed down her face. He ran to her and enveloped her in a huge hug, tears glistening in his eyes. He held on tightly as if his, and her, life depended on it. She was shaking. “I know it says… says in here but… but…”

“I know mam. I’m sorry, so sorry.”

“Don’t be, mab. I’m sorry, I bet I put you through this every time. I'm so sorry.”

They always had the same conversation, every week. But he loved her and would continue doing this for the rest of his life.

“I love you, mam.”

She stroked his hair gently. “Love you, cariad.”

He let her go reluctantly and moved a chair to sit closer to her. “How are you?”

He always asked the same questions and always received similar answers.

“It’s weird to wake up in a foreign room every day and panic because I don’t know where I am. I feel like myself for the first minute after I wake up. Then… everything is so foreign, so different. I have to have a nurse come in and explain to me about the notebook and then… I read about you and Rhi in my journal and so much has happened all these years and I missed it. I missed you growing into a man and Rhi having a family. Those kids are so grown.” Her eyes glazed over for a moment before she continued, “I read about your tad... Does the divorce hurt me the same every day? It’s like I can never have to time to get over it, grieve properly… there is nothing for me to move on to. Sometimes it feels so hopeless… I'm sorry for putting you through my hell, mab.”

“It’s ok, mam. I just love being here with you. I... I'm glad you are here, alive. I wish…” His voice broke and he fought against tears, “… that I could take your pain away. I love you and I am useless to help.”

She brushed the tears from his cheeks hating seeing the sorrow in her son’s beautiful eyes. "Are you sure it isn't better if I just left this world? I wouldn't be a bother anymore and this is no way to live..."

He was horrified, she didn't always sound so depressed. "No, mam! I…"

He kneeled by her chair and tightly grabbed her hands, sobbing openly because he couldn’t fathom a world without his mam. He plead with her desperately, "Please, mam, I need you!"

She caressed his hair and mumbled soothing words in Welsh until his sobbing subsided, then she tried to change the topic to something happier. “Then tell me how you are doing. I read in my notebook you are getting married to…” She flipped through the pages, searching frantically.

“Her name is Lisa. The wedding is tomorrow.”

“Tell me about her, tell me more than I have written here.”

He smiled at her. “She is wonderful. She’s kind, understanding, smart, funny, and absolutely beautiful.”

“I’m so happy for you…” She paused and frowned. "Cariad, what’s wrong?”

Of course, his mam would be the only other person aside from Rhi to see right through his mask. Although he was surprised his expression gave him away. “What? Nothing…”

“You just have that look, the same one you had as a child right before you secluded yourself into your thinking place. Remember that? You went there every time the bullies picked on you or after tad drank...”

He smiled. “Yeah, I remember that spot in the attic, surrounded by all those boxes where no one else could crawl into. It was nice… peaceful.”

“You never wanted to talk but would just think it out up there. Do you have a place like that now?”

“No, mam. I grew up. But I guess I'm still not much of a talker.”

“If you tell me I promise I won't write it down in my journal and will forget by tomorrow. The perfect sounding board…” She forced a grin for a moment before her face fell again. “So, tell me what’s wrong?”

“Mam, I don’t…”

“I won’t remember tomorrow anyway. Please, let me help, mab. Let me be useful for something…”

It made his heart ache thinking about how she lived, finding out every day about the accident and then about the lives of everyone around her moving on while hers was stationary, stuck in that one moment in time before everything went to hell. He didn’t want to push his troubles on her but hearing her plead to be useful... it was hard hearing the hurt in her voice.

Still, he knew that expression well, the one that had appeared so often on the face of the woman she used to be before the accident. It was the expression that dared him to bullshit her.

He hoped a half truth would satisfy her. “I’m just nervous about the wedding. I guess the standard cold feet of the day before.”

She stared into his eyes with an intensity he hadn’t seen since before the accident (like Rhi, it must be genetic). He’d been visiting her at least once a week since then and this was the most alive he’d seen her.

He broke the eye contact first, she won. “I think that maybe… I just don’t know anymore.”

Her voice was kind, gentle, “Don’t know what?”

“Anything… everything!”

“The wedding?”

“The wedding… my life. I don’t know who I am anymore or if I ever knew to begin with, much less what I actually want.”

“Cariad, I’m sorry life hasn’t always been good to you but all I’ve ever wanted is for you to be happy.”

“I just don’t know what will make me happy. I love her and I think I want a family with her someday, but then there is also someone else that I have feelings for that I think I may love. But I am not even sure which one is right for me. Or even if either… I just don’t know.”

She reached out and hugged him. “Do what you feel is right in _here_.” She placed her hand on his heart. “And not up _here_ …” She moved her hand to his head. “…because you always think too much, mab.”

“If only it was that easy…”

“It is, fy mhlentyn. Just may take some practice listening to hear.”

“I don’t have the time to… practice.”

“Then ask yourself if you can say the marriage vows to this woman tomorrow and mean every single word?”

He sighed, embarrassed that his mam had to see him this messed up. He couldn’t even look her in the eye. “I honestly don’t know.”

She caressed his arm. “Then may I suggest you don’t make promises you may not be able to keep?”

Was it really that simple?

They continued to talk for another hour about everything and nothing at the same time, avoiding difficult topics and issues.

He did want a family; he saw himself with a wife… maybe a wife… and kids… well, maybe kids. He couldn’t have kids with a husband, could he? Why was he even thinking about that? He wanted a family with Lisa and he wanted kids with Lisa.

Lisa.

Only Lisa.

Well, maybe.


	8. Friday Evening

The Hallett house was a mansion. The colossal structure stood on the outskirts of Cardiff on a massive plot of land with green grass and colorful, fragrant gardens surrounded by a tall stone wall. It made Ianto feel like a prisoner in a gilded cage.

Lisa’s parents _generously_ offered to host ( _show off_ ) the rehearsal dinner before the wedding, with the word ‘rehearsal’ meaning they would spend ten minutes discussing the technicalities for tomorrow before it degraded into one of those high class snob fests where everyone seemed to show manners on the outside while subtlety trying to debase others.

He was not looking forward to tonight. His tad, step-mother, and Lisa's parents had met once before and that dinner had been a disaster. Mrs. Hallett disapproved of the divorce between Ianto's tad and mam and had spent the entire time trying to demean his step-mother who had a sharp tongue to fight back with. His tad and Mr. Hellett had ended the evening early before the fight became physical. 

Lisa's mother also looked down on Ianto who, in her opinion, was never good enough for her daughter because of where he came from; although he never defended himself, Lisa could handle her mother better.

Ianto had spent his childhood living on a rough estate in Newport. His tad had worked for Debenhams and told young Ianto that that was his future as well. Words like "loser" and "worthless" had been typical in his tad’s vocabulary when referring to his son. So had been bruises from his tad’s belt when Ianto was _misbehaving_.

Ianto had tried doing well in school but between boring lessons and bullies, by the time he was in his teens, he'd started running with an unsavory crowd. He wasn’t proud of those years when he had been into drugs and shoplifting. He had even been caught a few times and spent some time in juvenile lock-up. Fortunately, he had managed to get amazing grades because he never needed much study time to perform well and eventually was accepted to Oxford on scholarship. It saved his life.

Rhi and her family still lived on the same estate. However, tad had moved up the social ladder after marrying Ms. Cooper. Gwen’s father had been a successful business owner and had died suddenly when she had been in her teens. Mr. Jones had started having an affair with Ms. Cooper about a half a year before Ianto's mam’s accident. After Mrs. Jones had come out of her coma and it was evident she could only remember up to a point before the accident and couldn’t create new memories, tad had divorced her.

Before the ink on the divorce papers had been dry, Mr. Jones and Ms. Cooper had made their marriage official.

Ianto liked Gwen as long as she didn't do her compassionate hugging act. Sometimes it seemed a bit… fake and completely overwhelming. He liked Rhys fine but when the man was around Gwen, he only paid attention to her.

He was glad Rhi was there. David and Mica, her screaming kids (he really did love them but, God, he didn’t want to have any kids of his own), were going to be with a babysitter for the night. He was also starting to warm up to Rhi’s husband, Johnny.

Mr. and Mrs. Hallett were part of the upper class in Cardiff. Originally from London, they were both in business management and financing working long hours but brought in a lot of money. Mrs. Hallett was especially disapproving of Ianto’s career, making it known that he’d never make enough to support her daughter up to par with their standards.

Jack had originally been invited to the dinner as well. As Gwen was Lisa's maid of honor, Ianto'd convinced Mrs. Hallett it would be only appropriate to have his best man there.

But that had been before last night, before _the_ _kiss_. Now things were strained between the two men. He knew Jack would never say anything to Lisa but he wanted to avoid questions about their _friendship_ ; he still wasn’t sure Jack could stop with the flirting. He also feared that a change in their dynamics would lead Lisa to question him, and he knew he’d break down if she did.

He called Jack before dinner for the first time since they talked in the kitchen _that morning_ , and their conversation was uncomfortable. Both men decided that the dinner would be hard enough without throwing Jack and their issues into the mix. Ianto told Lisa that Jack felt ill and decided to rest at home (omitting the inconvenient fact that Jack had already moved out of their guest room).

A part of Ianto was glad that he wouldn’t have to face the additional drama tonight. But another part of him mourned the lack of his friend, a source of unconditional support. He missed Jack.

He sat at the dining table and hoped to become lost in the background (and what a hard thing to do when the party was technically half for him). The others talked and laughed, telling stories about work and family. He felt detached from his surroundings, an ocean separating him and everyone else in the room, even as Lisa squeezed his hand under the table.

He couldn't help but silently dwell on his dilemma. His mind filled with doubts, questions, and unresolved feelings. Terror gripped him as he thought that he'd have to take some sort of action soon, even inaction became an action. Rats clawed at his stomach as he thought about getting married to Lisa; tomorrow.

He loved her and they would be happy. They were happy now. He was happy.

And yet, a voice whispered in his mind, maybe he wasn't happy if he was questioning it so much. He wasn't sure if he wanted the same things Lisa did. Could they marry for him just to end up disappointing her?

He moved his food around with a fork aimlessly as all these thoughts raced through his mind. The others' were so caught up in their own little worlds (and the conversation at least was civilized), he hoped none would notice his preoccupation.

After dinner, someone connected an iPod to surround sound speakers and people started to dance. The rooms were filled with chatter and laughter as couples danced. He slipped out unnoticed as Lisa’s father twirled his daughter around, escaping outside to hide in the shadows of the building.

His back against the wall, he stayed hidden. His legs curled up into his body as he rested his head on his knees.

After some time, he heard footsteps coming his way; a body sat down next to his.

"I knew this is where you would be hiding."

"Rhi..."

"Yup."

They sat in deafening silence with only the sound of their breathing until Rhi broke it again, "Ianto, you... honestly, you look awful."

He chuckled morosely. "Is it that noticeable?"

"I imagine everyone thinks it’s the pre-wedding jitters."

Another moment of silence pulsed between them before Ianto asked the one question he’d been afraid to voice directly until now, "Am I making a mistake?"

"Only you can answer that question."

He sighed audibly at Rhi’s frustratingly ambiguous answer and they sat surrounded by silence again.

"You didn't tell her, did you?"

"No…"

He was compelled to tell Rhi the whole truth, just as if he was compelled to confess his sins in a confessional. She’d be shocked by his transgressions but she was the only one he trusted; and maybe the only one who could, would, give him absolution.

She probably assumed he'd kissed another woman, someone unknown at a bar during his stag do (a random stripper?). But his crime ran deeper than that. He wasn't just teetering on the edge of an abyss but was already drowning in it.

So he confessed, "I kissed Jack."

A dozen of emotions flickered through Rhi's face as the words registered slowly. "You kissed who?" Her mouth hung open from shock; as if she wasn't sure whether she'd heard him correctly.

"Jack."

"Jack?"

He nodded.

Realization dawned on her face. "The Jack from Uni?"

He nodded again.

"Your best man Jack?”

One more time, he nodded.

“The very male Jack?"

"Yup."

She smiled a strained smile. "At least he's bloody gorgeous."

And they both laughed, a slightly hysterical laughter, but a laugh that allowed them to release some of the tension in the air.

"Yup."

She scrunched up her brows in concentration. "Have you gone bender?"

"Don't think so." He swallowed thickly. "Maybe. Maybe bi. Maybe just him. Maybe only him. Dunno."

"Bloody hell, Ianto. You really don't do things by halfs.” Rhi giggled like a little girl.

He swiped at her arm. "Not funny.” Then, his voice cracked betraying his desperation, “What do I do, Rhi?"

She became serious once again. "What do you want to do?"

"Disappear."

She reached to hold his hand and entwined her fingers with his as they sat in silence, staring off into the darkness, lost in their own thoughts.

This was how Lisa found them and smiled. "I was hoping to drag my husband-to-be onto the dance floor. Any chance of that?"

Startled, Ianto turned towards her. "Dancing?"

She stretched out her hand. "Yeah. Music? Inside?"

He smiled shyly. "Anything for you, beautiful!"

He took her hand and allowed himself to be led to the dance floor.  As he followed, from the corner of his eye, he saw Rhi mouthing silently _tell her_.

He ignored his sister completely. Now wasn't the right time anyway.

Inside the house, the dancing was in full swing. Couples gravitated around each other to the rhythm of the music, being pulled and pushed against each other like planets around a sun, beautiful celestial bodies expressing themselves through movement. It was breathtaking.

Ianto lost himself in the music, in the moment, in Lisa’s soft body. He was getting married tomorrow, to Lisa, and he wasn’t sure whether to laugh or cry.

…………………………

Jack, Tosh, and Owen decided to spend their evening at a pub. The Friday night crowd had them shoulder to shoulder with other patrons. Loud music saturated the air as it was infused with smells of cologne, perfume, alcohol, sweat, and sex pheromones.

Colorful lights near the ceiling provided the only illumination, adequate enough to barely see the night’s one night stand (and maybe that was for the better). The drab wooden floors and dark derelict walls contradicted the disturbingly cheerful atmosphere of the intoxicated masses.

The three friends sat in a dark corner, allowing the chaos around them to ebb and flow away while they cradled pints; their gloomy faces contrary to the surrounding atmosphere.

Tosh murmured, “You guys are depressing company.”  
Owen rolled his eyes. “Thanks for stating the obvious, sweetheart.”

Jack smacked his arm. “At least you could be nice for a change, wanker.”

Owen grunted and took another gulp of his drink.

Tosh sighed in frustration. “I just wish I could help, Jack.”

“I’m sorry, Tosh. I just can’t believe how badly I screwed up with Ianto; can’t wait to get back to the U.S. and real life, away from this madness.”

She placed her hand on his and squeezed, there were no words to soothe the pain of a love lost.

At the same time, Owen glared at him, wondering what screw up Jack was referring to. “And I get to go back to Hell. Cheers!” He lifted his pint to toast before chugging the entire glass.

Jack interjected, “You might wanna…”

“Not today, Harkness. Today I get pissed.”

“Right.” There was no use arguing with him now.

They all fell silent again, focused on their drinks.

Finally, Tosh said, “I’m leaving.”

Jack looked at her in surprise. “What? Tosh?”

“The gloomy atmosphere is too much for me. See you boys tomorrow; just don’t show up at the wedding hung-over.”

She kissed each of their cheeks and absconded quickly.

“So, Harkness, how about we toast to love lost and misery for the rest of our lives?”

“Don’t know about you but I don’t plan on being miserable forever. There has to be someone else out there, I just haven’t found him.”

"Your positivity is disgusting.”

“Tell me about her, about Katie.”

Owen froze, the soft question hitting him unexpectedly. “Well, she was amazing. She had this cute quirk…”

For the next hour, Owen talked about Katie and he didn’t cry or drown his sorrow but remembered her properly.

“She sounds like an amazing woman.”

“Yeah, always wondered what such a twat like me did to ever deserve her.” His voice faded slowly before he changed the subject. “So, what is it about teaboy that got you all love sick?”

“It’s everything about him. He doesn’t take any crap from me; he’s funny and hot. But there is also an innocence about him… I just can’t explain it.”

"Innocent?" Owen snorted. "Not likely. More like a neurotic wreck."

"That's just the before wedding nerves."

"He's always like that. And what's the deal with you not being allowed to go to that dinner with Lisa's posh family anymore? Is he ashamed of you? Scared you'll say the wrong thing or flirt with the wrong person?"

"That's not it."

Owen rolled his eyes. "Yeah, right. Jack, Ianto can be a right arse just like the rest of us.” Jack glared at Owen so the doctor decided to change tactics. “So what did you do now to screw up, as you put it so eloquently earlier tonight, with teaboy?”

"What? Nothing…"

"Don't even try it. Your eyeball twitches when you lie. I got drunk with teaboy one night years ago and he spilled all your little secrets. What are you not telling me?"

"Owen, just leave it. It was no big deal."

"So there really was something and, yes, you did walk right into the trap.”

Jack’s guilty expression gave everything away.

“Harkness, what did you do?"

"I'm offended. Why do you assume it was me?"

"Because you stuff your hands in your pockets and shuffle your feet when you’re feeling guilty about something."

"How do...."

"Again, drunken night with teaboy. At least we didn't snog..."

Jack twitched at the last word and Owen's eyes opened wide. "Oh God, Harkness, bloody hell, you snogged him..."

"Shh, quiet." Jack waved his hands in front of Owen trying to get him to shut up.

Owen lowered his voice, "I can't believe you snogged him. When?"

"When we were drunk after the stag party, but it meant nothing."

"Clearly it meant nothing when you have guilt written all over your face,” Owen deadpanned. "Clearly it didn't confuse the shite out of him since you’re not at that posh dinner party tonight. Wedding nerves my arse.”

"Fuck off, Harper."

"Fix it, Jack. Don't ruin his marriage, his life. The last thing he needs is more stress."

"I... I don't know how," he whispered, resigned.

"Tell him it meant nothing, just a drunken fumble. Tell him he's nothing more than a good friend and try not to twitch with your eyeball when you say it."

"Owen..."

"Don't give me any of this ‘woe is me’ shite. You had your chance for years; don't break the one you claim is your best friend or you'll never forgive yourself."

Jack sighed, he knew Owen was right. He didn't want to admit it but he didn't have a luxury of letting this go. He had to talk to Ianto before the wedding and set things right. He had to hurt the man he lo... damnit, loved. Not because Ianto was straight but because Ianto was in love with another, Lisa. And he had no right doing this to him right before the wedding. "I'll talk to him later tonight, after the party. He'll hate me but it’s for the better, yeah?"

Owen's eyes softened to match his voice, "You're a good man Harkness, immature and thoughtless, but you have a good heart. You know you have to let go, let him be happy and then find your own happiness."

Jack's red-rimmed eyes let a single tear fall down his cheek. "I don't know if I can without him."

"Where is that optimist from earlier tonight? You haven't seen Ianto for years..." Owen could not believe he just went from morose and moody to giving a cheerful pep talk. When did he gain a good doctor’s bedside manner?

"And I haven't spent a day that he wasn't in my thoughts. But..." Jack raised his hand as Owen was about to speak. "If I love him then I'll let him be happy right? Even if it wasn't with me?"

"Yeah. Sorry, mate."

"Me too."

............................

That night, Jack lay in the hotel bed alone again. He'd managed to take his shoes off but had crashed with the rest of his clothes on. Even when he slept with others back in New York, he was notorious for leaving right after sex, never cuddling, never waking up next to another body the morning after.

The one exception was John Hart, his on again and off again psychotic fling of the past three years. Once, they'd even spent two weeks (which felt like five years) shacked up in a ski lodge during a blizzard together. Hart was currently in rehab again, drugs this time, if his memory served right.

The lights were off but the room glowed from the street lights shining around the curtains. The light glimmered around his body as he sighed out loud, the sound echoing through the lonely room. He was utterly alone.

Laying on the right side, (whenever he shared his bed with Ianto, he always slept on the right side) he turned slightly, facing the empty left.

He'd moved to America chasing a good job that paid a lot of money. Or so he'd told everyone. In reality, if Ianto had given him a chance, he would have followed that man anywhere in a heartbeat, whether he had a job or ended up homeless.

But after three years at Uni, Ianto had clearly not been interested so he'd packed his bags and put an ocean between them in an attempt to cleanse himself and move on. But even all those years and all those miles couldn't wash Ianto away.

His left arm fell onto the pillow next to him, his knuckles lightly caressed the silky fabric where Ianto’s ghost stared back at him. Loneliness gripped his heart and he closed his eyes as his hand moved lightly back and forth, as if caressing a lover.

He'd tried; he really had tried to find someone in America. He'd dated men and few women (just in case) but nothing, no one had seemed right. So, even after the most amazing night of sex, the next morning the bed had always been cold, lifeless.

Placing his hand back on his stomach, he let tears fall from his eyes. He really did want Ianto to be happy. Knowing what had to be done tomorrow, he fell asleep, hoping the nightmares would stay away just for one night.

......................

The party had gone better than expected, he'd had fun dancing with Lisa and it seemed everyone had tried to keep the drama to a minimum. Even Lisa's mother hadn't been completely degrading towards him.

He stripped off his clothes and crawled into bed with just his pants on.

Lisa had looked beautiful tonight. She'd been a magnificent vision in her short white dress, making her dark skin glow. White was her color. That beautiful woman would be his tomorrow.

He stared at the right side of the bed, realizing that even though he was alone, he'd curled up on the left, usually Lisa's side.

He chuckled, two nights without Lisa (she was traditional and insisted that they spent the night before apart) and he was taking over the bed.

He'd just sleep on her side tonight, for just one night, before going back onto his place.

As his eyelids began to fall, he breathed in the scent of honey. It wasn't Lisa but... Jack.

He'd spent last night with Jack but barely remembered the inebriated kiss. He'd always slept on the left when Jack invaded his bed... the realization made him jump and move to the middle. It had been just a drunk snog, barely anything to fret about.

It wasn't even worth mentioning to Lisa. That was the only reason he hadn’t told her: because there was nothing to tell.

 _Liar,_ his subconscious whispered.

Jack had always been very tactile, flirting with everyone and being generous with his physical affections. But what if Jack felt more... no; Ianto wasn't any different than anyone else.

They were just friends.

And even if... he still loved Lisa.

But as his heavy eyes closed, the face etched into the back of his eyelids had sparkling blue eyes and a wide, cocky grin.


	9. Saturday Morning

The English style architecture of the light brown stone church almost gave the property a fairytale feel. The church tower loomed above his head as Jack made his way, looking around for a side room Ianto was supposed to be getting ready in.

The gothic-style graveyard he passed made his skin crawl; it was a collage of life and death colliding together in an expressionistic painting of the universe; beauty in darkness. And it required too much thinking for his hung-over mind.

The box weighed down his suit jacket and Jack placed his hand in the pocket wrapping his fingers around the offending object. Would Ianto appreciate this gesture?

After all, he'd selfishly taken advantage of Ianto for a fleeting moment of happiness. As soon as he'd woken up the next day, he'd known it had been a mistake. Ianto had been drunk, and what if there was some curiosity on Ianto’s side (because that was all he was to the other man, curiosity, and boy did that hurt), he'd exploited it when Ianto had been vulnerable.

He needed to fix this. Loving someone meant putting them first and he was going to love Ianto the only way he knew how... by letting him go.

He hesitated before knocking on the heavy wooden door, unsure if he could really do this. He'd have to hide his feelings, his pain, and lie to Ianto. It was the only way to distance himself enough to do what was right.

He knocked.

Ianto opened the door, looking cute in a black vest and pants with his hair sticking up in all directions; a wild, frantic look in his eyes.

"Hi."

"Hi."

The tentative and shy greetings were followed by a long moment of silence before Jack spoke again, "I wasn't sure if you still wanted me to help you dress, be the best man, so I'm here... just in case. I'll leave if you..."

Ianto interrupted, "No, Jack. Please come in. We're still friends, right?"

He smiled nervously. "Of course. Always."

They entered the small room with three chairs, a table, and a mirror. The two suits hung from hooks on the wall.

“Coffee?”

“How did you…”

Ianto searched through a bag and picked up a round silver container. “Thermos!”

He poured the coffees into two plastic cups and gave one to Jack. They sat down at the table as awkward silence enveloped them in an electric bubble of tension.

After a moment, they broke the silence at the same time.

"We gotta talk."

"We have to talk."

They looked at each other before spiraling down into hysterical giggles, then slowly sobering up again.

Jack took a deep breath and settled his racing heart. It was time to be a liar. "Ianto, I think you may have misunderstood me before when I said I liked you. I do like you but as in I am attracted to you… physically. We're just friends and I didn't want you to get the wrong idea, especially when you already have so much to worry about. It was nice, hell, hot, but that’s all it was."

Anger lit up Ianto’s face. "So you used me? You knew I was getting married. I was pissed out of my mind and you went along with it because I’m what… hot?"

"Yes."

Ianto’s anger seemed to fade as his eyes and voice softened, "Oh, Jack... that doesn't sound like you."

This was the worst time for Ianto to believe in him so he snapped, "Well, it is. You don't know everything about me. I can be a cruel bastard. How many people have I crawled out of bed in the middle of the night just so I don't have to face them the morning? How many people have I used for sex? How many times have I lied to get someone into my bed?"

"Used… but… we're friends," Ianto’s voice was filled with uncertainty and distress.

"And I made a mistake, I am sorry I let it get that far. I could have ruined your marriage and I’ll never forgive myself for that. But it was a mistake and I know I could lose your friendship because of it… so I’m sorry Ianto.”

The groom closed his eyes and breathed in deep. Jack witness a ton of emotions reflected in his features at the same time before the mask fell into place. Ianto then smiled at Jack, looking straight into his blues and spoke with a steady voice, “Right then, let’s get dressed and get this day over with.”

They dressed in silence as Ianto contemplated their conversation. He thought that maybe Jack had feelings for him but it seemed that it was just friendship… and physical attraction. That would have been understandable but Jack just used him for… a sexual kick? Anger simmered below the surface, Jack was supposed to be his best friend and not the reason he cheated on Lisa.

And he actually thought that he loved Jack like he loved Lisa.

_Idiot!_

Lisa was the only one that loved him and he loved her back. She was his life, his everything.

As he centered his tie, he turned to Jack and chuckled darkly as he watched the man struggled with his tie again. “Here, let me help.”

“Sure,” Jack’s voice hitched.

Ianto’s fingertips burned as his fingers brushed Jack’s skin through his shirt while working on the tie. He focused on his graceful fingers as they flew flawlessly trying to avoid Jack’s gaze; suppressing the flutter in his stomach as he worked.

He swiped his hands over Jack’s chest smoothing the jacket out. “Done.”

“Uh, Ianto?”

“Yes Jack?”

“I, uh, I have a gift for you.”

“Jack you really didn’t have to.”

“I know but I thought… maybe… that it was appropriate. Here, let me get it.”

Jack dug in his pocket until he found the box. Clutching it tightly, he took a moment to stop himself from shaking. He hoped Ianto would be pleased with it but it was more important than that. It could be his last gift to the Welshman, a sort of a farewell.

“Here.” He placed the box in Ianto’s palm.

Ianto looked at it and then back at Jack. “Thank you, can I open it now or…”

Nodding, the other man whispered, “Whenever you’d like.”

“Ok.” The groom delicately opened the lid and gasped. Inside the velvet lined box was an antique pocket watch. He picked up the rose gold timepiece and caressed it with his fingers. Turning it over, he found a faded inscription.

_Love is timeless._

“Jack…” His voice was only capable of a whisper.

“I found it at an antique store and thought of you, the perfect wedding present. So, uh, I wish your marriage and love for Lisa to be timeless.”

Ianto looked up at the man in front of him, tears glistening in his eyes. “I love it. It’s… it’s beautiful.” Then, without thinking, he leaned in and placed a quick chaste kiss on Jack’s lips. Realizing what he’d just done, the Welshman blushed and turned around, fumbling around some bags.

“I have s-something for you too, as a thank you for b-being my best man.” His voice started with a quiver but steadied, “It’s not as wonderful as yours but…”

“I’m sure it’s perfect.”

“Here…”

Ianto handed his best friend a slightly smaller box while he blushed again. Jack picked it up carefully, as if he were handling glass, and opened slowly. He was mesmerized by a pair of silver RAF Lancaster cufflinks, a perfect match to his favorite antique World War II greatcoat.

“Ianto, they are gorgeous.” He sighed, fighting to keep tears away from his eyes as he tried to smile. “Just perfect!”

Flooded with emotions, Jack brought Ianto in closer for a hug and pressed a lingering kiss to his forehead. “Thank you.”

They looked into each other’s eyes until a knock at the door broke the moment. Ianto cleared his throat but still squeaked, “Come in.”

Squealing from excitement, Gwen ran in, wrapping her arms around Ianto and almost knocking him over. “You look adorable! Lisa sent me to remind you: ten minutes and don’t be late for the wedding or she’ll kill you.”

She was wearing a long, strapless lavender gown that showed a bit too much cleavage. Ianto choked from lack of air pressed against her bosom (a place where he really did not wish to be) so Jack answered for him, “We’ll make our way to the church in a tick, just a few last minute details.”

She un-wrapped her arms from the groom and turned to the best man. “And you look gorgeous too. If I wasn’t with Rhys…” Then she launched herself at Jack, pulling him into a tight hug.

Ianto laughed at Jack’s shocked expression and tried to save his friend. “Gwen, you’ll wrinkle our clothes and then Lisa will kill _you_.”

“Oh, sorry. I’ll tell her you’re almost ready.” With one last glance, she disappeared out the door.

Jack sighed. “Wow.”

“Yeah.”

They stared at the door in silence for a moment before Jack came back down to reality. “Ready, Ianto?”

“As ready as I’ll ever umph…” Before he could finish the sentence, he was wrapped up into a tight hug by the American. Their bodies fit perfectly around each other, Ianto’s head in the crook of Jack’s neck, his nose so close he was overwhelmed by the dizzying smell. Jack’s strong arms felt scorching through the clothes; his heat permeating every corner of the Welshman’s body.

He couldn’t breathe as his heart pounded and brain shut down.

Lisa. He had to marry Lisa.

Extricating his body from his friend’s, he asked, “Rings?”

“Right here.” Jack lifted two white gold wedding bands a little too cheerfully.

Ianto was ready to get married.

…………………………….

Ianto Jones stood at the altar as last minute guests filed into the church. The church was magnificent. Its old stone architecture combined with the massive amount of white roses decorating every crevice gave it a romantic feel. The stained glass windows projected islands of color onto dark wooden benches and white marble floors. A lavender carpet ran the length of the middle aisle, ready for the bride.

Nerves gripped Ianto as he wondered why in such bravura surroundings he could feel so despondent. His stomach churned as bile worked its way up his throat and he just wanted to run, hide, and vomit (not necessarily in that order).

Jack’s hand made its way into his and squeezed reassuringly… and for a moment, everything stopped and he was fine.

Just… fine.

Too soon, the reassuring warmth left him and the sharp knives twisted into his abdomen again.

It was wrong to seek comfort from Jack anyway because the American didn’t love him back… and where did that come from?

It didn’t matter… Lisa… Lisa loved him.

This was it, in a few moments, Lisa would walk down the aisle in a beautiful dress and then they’d say the vows, kiss, and everything would be over.

Done.

Then life could get back to normal.

The same normal that he loathed, except for Lisa, he loved her, his light…

Music started to play the wedding march and at that moment, his bride appeared in the doorway. The white light from the outside poured into the gloomy church and illuminated the angel in a white dress.

He stopped breathing.

His eyes frozen on her slowly moving form…

He realized this was _his_ bride, the one he was promising the rest of his life to.

His love.

His light.

His savior.

_Don’t make promises you may not be able to keep._

Shit.

His mam’s words echoed through his mind, unlocking the guilt buried deep inside.

Quickly, what was he supposed to promise in the vows?

For better or worse; yes, he could do that.

For richer or poorer; he didn't care about money, so check.

In sickness and in health; that he could promise.

To love and cherish; he really _did_ love her.

Be a faithful partner…

Shit.

He already broke that one. And he hadn’t confessed to her before the wedding, he should have told her, which meant…

_Don’t make promises you may not be able to keep._

Well, just shit.


	10. Saturday Noon

Light streamed through the stained glass windows, illuminating Ianto’s pale complexion with swirls of colors; red, blue, yellow, green, purple painted mosaics on his pale skin, causing him to look positively gorgeous (more gorgeous than usual). Jack would have been mesmerized by the beautiful sight in front of him if it wasn’t for the violent trembling and shudders emanating from the man’s body.

Ianto looked nervous, terrified actually, and all Jack could think to help was to slip a hand into his and give a brief squeeze; an appropriate type of support for his friend… merely friend.

Lisa appeared at the church entrance and even Jack had to admit she was looking picturesque; dark skin glowing, framed by a barely off-white dress hugging the curves on her torso perfectly with a long flowing skit swaying behind in the breeze.

As music played as she walked down the aisle, a bouquet of white roses cradled in her hands, Jack’s body began to shiver. He’d been able to keep himself steady and calm so far, but at this moment his world crumbled. A single tear trickled from his eye, he’d lost Ianto.

As Lisa neared the altar, he could feel the nervous energy pulsing from the man next to him increase. He managed a peak to his left to gauge Ianto’s state and almost gasped at the dear in the headlights look.

When Lisa walked up and her father lifted her veil and kissed her, he felt Ianto’s tension coil through his body.  
She walked up next to her husband-to-be and that’s when everything happened faster than he could comprehend.

………………………

Tosh sat in the fourth row on the groom’s side next to Owen, thankful that her friend had the decency to be sober. She was still aggravated at her friends about last night but at the same time, she understood both men were grieving.

She remembered how long it took her to mourn what could have been with Owen. And even then, she didn’t fully come to terms with it until she met Tommy (or even until she saw Owen wasted in the hotel room, if she was going to be completely honest with herself).

Gazing up at the altar, she saw the two men appearing terribly miserable, a look incongruent with what was expected of them.

She understood Jack’s sorrow; this was it, concrete proof that Ianto was lost forever. Her friend had to pretend to be happy as his insides twisted in misery, and her heart clenched as she felt his pain.

However, she couldn’t understand the look on Ianto’s face. He looked dejected, part panicky and part resigned. This was supposed to be the happiest day of his life but…

The wedding march played and she stood up with everyone else, eyes turned toward the bride, Lisa. The lucky woman looked beautiful and Tosh hoped that one day she’d look half as beautiful in a wedding dress. With the old, beautiful church surrounding her, Lisa looked like a princess out of a fairytale (and she’d never admit it out loud but she always wanted at least a moment in her life where she could feel like that).

Tears misted her eyes as the bride’s father lifted the beautifully embroidered veil over her head and kissed a cheek, giving his only daughter away. 

Lisa stood next to Ianto and then Tosh gasped from shock.

Ianto ran.

He literally ran down the aisle and out the door (she’d never seen him run as fast in his life).

Her mouth gaped open as silence saturated the atmosphere and everyone stared, shocked. It was almost like the guests’ brains hadn't caught up with the events yet.

Lisa, the first to seemingly shrug off the stupor, ran after him and out the church’s heavy wooden door.

Suddenly, everyone seemed to snap out of it as chaos ensued.

………………………

Owen would have liked to thank his doctor instincts for being the first to act in an emergency. However, when Ianto ran and everyone stood in shock, he made his move purely from adrenaline pumping in fear for Ianto’s life.

Running to the door right behind the bride, he hoped he wasn’t followed by any angry villagers (although knowing that was wishful thinking). Ianto and his girl needed to talk in private. It seemed like it was going to be up to him to block the door and keep the furious families and friends at bay.

He felt Jack following and hoped the bloody git could follow instructions for once and not make a scene. Owen stood at the door, firm, solid, sober.

Too sober.

Shite, for once he wished he wasn't sober.

Jack stood next to him looked shell shocked, like he needed a drink as well.

A woman, Lisa's mother he guessed, stomped through the aisle, fury etched into her face. He stiffened as she screamed in his face, "Let me through. My daughter's out there, hurting..."

In his even, calm, and gentle tone (again that of a doctor's bedside manner he used to be so shitty at doing) he soothed, "Mrs. Hallett, they need to talk. And after they talk, they will either return here together or you can go comfort your daughter. Until then, they need privacy."

"I know what my daughter needs, and it is not taking to that worthless bastard. Now, move!"

He stood like a statue, like the Royal Guard, unmoving, protecting his silly twat of a friend. He felt almost like he was a totally new, better person... oh, he wasn't going to kid himself, he was still a prick. "Please, Mrs. Hallett, just a few..." He didn't get to even finish his sentence before the bloody woman started to smack him with her tiny purse. But damn, that purse hurt with its metal clasps and reinforced sides. Did that woman carry weights in there? Arms moved to protect his gorgeous face as Owen took the beating. He owed Ianto that much. After all, he was still his bloody friend.

At some point during the purse tirade, Mr. Hallett's hand found its way to his wife's shoulder. "Darling, he's right. It's their life and they need to talk. Just give them five minutes."

The disgruntled woman huffed and walked off.

Suddenly, Owen realized everyone in the church was staring at him and his barricade. Well, shite, now he'd be famous among the sheep-shaggers. He wondered when he had become the voice of reason in this Hell hole.

Flickering his eyes around, trying not to stare back, he moved them around randomly until they fell and then lingered on Jack. He looked... guilty?

Oh shite, Owen hoped that the bloody American wanker had nothing to do with all this. Harkness' love sick advances have been ignored for years by the sodding teaboy. And it seemed until a few days ago, that Jack was resigned to let things be and just deal with his heartbreak. But if Jack did something to Ianto that had caused this, he was going to have a talk with the man later, preferably with his fists.

He felt Tosh sneak up on his other side silently. He whispered to her, "Just in case, Toshie, have a car ready so we can sneak Ianto away quickly if shite goes down. These people do not look happy."

She nodded, and then just as stealthily snuck out through a side door.

………………………

Ianto kept running like the coward he was. Out through the church doors until he stopped in shock: he'd just ran out on his own wedding! His own wedding to Lisa! He'd hurt Lisa!

His chest was tightened; every breath felt like fire, his body trembled.

"Ianto!" Lisa's voice broke through the silence stabbing him like a thousand daggers. He turned red-rimmed eyes toward her; she deserved so much more, someone better. She deserved an explanation. Not that he knew exactly what was going on inside him anyway, but he'd be as honest as possible and give her all he could.

She deserved so much more.

"Ianto?"

He looked at her, the beautiful, confused face marred by red eyes and mascara-colored tears streaking down her cheeks. His heart shattered.

He did this to her, he broke her.

"Lisa..." He wanted to speak, he really did, but words failed him. There was nothing he could say to spare her the pain. Nothing he could do to make things right. They were broken. No, he was broken.

"Did you just... just run out on our wedding?" Pain, sorrow, anger seeped into every word that fell out of her perfectly shaped red lips.

There was only one word, an honest, rubbed raw word that formed the answer, "Yes."

Lisa watched him, shocked, her mouth open as if the words died a moment before she had a chance to utter them. He watched as his actions smashed her world, her heart, into a million little pieces; all of it reflected in her gorgeous brown eyes.

He pulled himself together, this wasn't about him. He’d already made up his mind and ran, there was no going back. He'd already decided, he'd stand tall and take her anger, her hate, whatever she needed to feel better. And then he'd run and hide, curl up in a fetal position with a bottle of whiskey... but no, he wouldn't think of that now.

“Are we breaking up?” Her voice trembled.

“Yes.” Again, that terrible, awful word left his lips.

“Is there no… no hope? For us I mean?”

He could tell her he just wasn’t sure. He could tell her he was broken and confused. He could tell her he just needed a little time.

And then he could break her heart all over again in the future.

“No.” A different word left his lips but just as painful to utter as the last one.

Sobs wracked Lisa’s body. It was painful to watch the beautiful, strong woman fall apart, especially knowing he'd caused it. He'd caused all this.

"Why?" The word eventually rolled out of her mouth in a whisper.

"I... I'm..." He stuttered, stumbling over his words like child on his first day of a new school. His mind was blank, wishing she would yell at him, hit him, anything but this raw pain emanating from her gaze.

"Tell me the truth!" she shouted. Finally, she shouted.

"I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you but I know I did. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm broken, Lisa. I'm just broken."

She looked at him, anger pouring from her eyes. "We can work it out."

"No! I feel stuck, Lisa. I hate my job. I have no friends and always only hang out with yours. I hate that mam doesn't remember me from day to day. I hate tad's new wife. I hate tad berating me, never being good enough. I hate..."

Lisa stopped his tirade of words by throwing a solid right hook straight into his face. He felt a stab of pain followed by a buzzing ache; white spots filled his vision and he had to sit down on the ground.

Her voice was now a whisper, "Do you hate me as well, Ianto?"

He looked up at her; he needed her to see the honesty on his face. He needed her to know... "Never. I... I love you. I hate me. I'm sorry."

"Ianto..."

He got up promptly and grabbed her hands, thankful she let him hold them for the last time. Staring straight into her beautiful brown eyes, he trembled as he tried to keep his composure. He’d hurt her enough, he wouldn't anymore. "You did nothing wrong. I’m sorry…"

She dislodged herself from his grip and, with one last look, ran into a side room of the church.

Ianto kept looking at the door long after her white dress disappeared. A hand on his shoulder startled him out of his reverie. He expected Jack but disappointingly found Owen. "Come on, mate. Let's get you out of here before the mob comes for you with pitchforks."

The comment was sarcastic but his tone was gentle, almost understanding. Ianto let himself be led away from the church into a car. He didn't even notice Tosh at the wheel, his mind in a haze, not caring where they went. He just wanted to stop existing, not die but just sink into oblivion for awhile.

He hoped that, wherever they were going, there was whiskey there.


	11. Saturday Afternoon

Jack sat on a hill, just past the church and cemetery, staring at nothing in particular. The wind picked up around him as it swished branches on top of the trees surrounding the clearing back and forth, but he never noticed. He was in shock.

He had seen the anxiety and fear in Ianto’s eyes but he’d never thought… Ianto wouldn’t end up married. He hadn’t gotten married!

Then it had been chaos, a stunned silence followed by confusion and shouting, but it had all been a blur to Jack. Then Owen had told him to stay away, give Ianto time to deal with everything… so Jack found himself sitting alone on a hill, obsessively, mindlessly plucking at the glass under his fingers.

He’d seen cracks in Ianto’s mask in the past, but he’d never seen it shatter as spectacularly as it did today.

.

_During Ianto’s second year at Uni, he invited Jack to spend the Christmas holiday with his family since Jack couldn’t make it to America to see his. Jack drove them to Cardiff while he listened to Ianto tell him stories from his childhood._

_Ianto talked about baking biscuits with his mam and listening to her tell him Welsh fairytales before bedtime. He remembered her beautiful singing voice and the many cuts and bruises she cleaned, bandaged, and kissed better._

_His friend had a smile on his face when he talked about the day David was born…. Mam and tad were at work, Johnny was stuck in traffic, and it left the unsuspecting brother who just happened to be at the right place, at the right time, to hold Rhi’s hand while she pushed. After the birth, he'd walked around for a few days with three fingers taped up together; the doctor had told him his sister had held on so tight they'd ended up jammed._

_But in all the stories told, Jack never heard him mention his tad and he wondered about that but in the end decided not to ask._

_The night before Christmas, Jack couldn’t sleep. He sometimes had terrible nightmares and the only thing that seemed to settle him was a cup of warm milk (or Ianto curled up next to him but he wasn’t about to think about that one). As he silently crept down the hall, as not to wake up the household, he saw a light streaming from underneath a door and heard indistinguishable, angry whispers coming from Ianto’s tad’s office. One of the voices he immediately recognized as Ianto’s._

_Curious (and a bit embarrassed about snooping, but not enough to stop), he made his way toward the door and placed his ear as close as he dared to try and make out the words spoken._

_“… our family needs money.”_

_“It’s not like you’d even given me a quid since I started Uni…”_

_“And you haven’t given the family a quid either. We can barely ‘fford diapers for David…”_

_“So make Johnny get a job!”_

_“Ianto…”_

_“I'm not responsible for paying for their kids!”_

_“But you do have a ‘esponsibility to this family.”_

_Ianto snorted. “Like you are responsible? Maybe we’d have more money if you didn’t drink it aw…”_

_Jack jumped as he heard a smack, skin against skin. Silence fell over the room as Jack dug his fingernails deep into his palms to keep himself from charging to Ianto’s rescue. He was starting to understand why Ianto never spoke about his tad…_

_Finally, Ianto's tad broke the silence and spoke, his voice furious but still barely heard, “You worthless piece of shit… instead of bringing a decent woman home, you bring that queer and then mouth off to me. I’d throw you out on your arse right now if I didn’t think it would break your mam’s soul. Get ‘ut my sight! Always were useless…”_

_Upon hearing footsteps, Jack scrambled upstairs and into his bed, his head swimming with all the new information he'd just found out about his friend._

_Moments later, his door squeaked open. Jack closed his eyes and evened his breathing, pretending to be asleep. Ianto’s feet shuffled lightly as he made his way silently through the room. Jack was surprised when he felt another body snuggle under the covers next to him. Pretending to be moving in his sleep, Jack threw his arms around Ianto and held him close. He wasn’t able to fall asleep until long after the shuddering body in his arms stilled._

_._

Jack felt guilty.

In the past he’d always been there to help as best as he could; swore to be there for Ianto, always, no matter what. Yet, he'd caused the total collapse of Ianto’s psychological defenses. He was responsible for breaking Ianto up with the woman he loved. He was responsible for ruining Ianto’s life. He was responsible for taking Ianto’s future away.

He was responsible for causing Ianto pain.

His chest tightened and silent tears slipped down his cheeks. He regretted that night, the ( _spectacular_ ) kiss. Oh, it was the best night of his life because he could pretend for a moment that Ianto could be his; for that moment, Ianto _had been_ his.

But for that one selfish, fleeting moment, he had also been willing to throw years of friendship away and hurt his best friend more than anyone had hurt him before in his life. And that was unforgivable.

Sobs escaped his lips and his body shuddered uncontrollably.

On Monday, he’d be on a plane heading back to America, and it hurt to think that that look of anxiety and fear would be the last thing he ever see in those beautiful stormy eyes.

……………………..

Ianto jumped as cold water hit his face, ice cold, and he shouted, "Shit!"

"Calm down, mate." Owen's surprisingly gentle voice permeated his muddled mind.

"Owen?"

"You were out of it for a bit, mate; in shock."

"S-sorry."

Tosh's voice flowed from somewhere in the shadows, "Don't... Ianto, uh, I'm sorry." She sat on the bed next to him and enveloped him in her skinny arms. "I just wanted you to be happy."

"I'm trying, Tosh. That's why I did a runner, not sure what would make me happy."

She pulled back and gazed intensely at his face. "You don't have to do anything you don't want to tonight."

"Can I just drink?"

"Of course." She looked at Owen as he made it back with a whiskey bottle.

They sat around Owen’s hotel room drinking, although Ianto seemed to nurse his drink more than actually getting it through his lips. After about an hour of brooding, he finally asked the question he was terrified to voice, "Where's Jack?"

Tosh looked at Owen. "Yeah, weird he's not here. Owen, did you tell him where we were going?"

Owen sighed loudly and turned to look at the wall.

"Owen," Ianto's voice was stronger than he'd heard all night. "Where. Is. Jack?" As he spoke, he punctuated each word letting steel enter his voice.

"I told him to bugger off."

"What? Why?" Ianto felt angry tears gather in his eyes.

Tosh slapped Owen's arm. "Owen! He needs his best friend!"

"Look, I just didn't think it was appropriate after today and he agreed."

"What?" Ianto was confused. "Why wouldn't it be?"

"Ianto, mate, he told me..."

Tosh was confused. "Huh? Owen what are you blabbing about?" She looked from one man to the next, wondering what in the world she’d missed.

Owen ignored her. "Ianto, he snogged you. He's in love with you."

"No... No, it was just a small kiss. No, he said he was attracted to me and used me and shouldn’t have... Tosh?" He looked at Tosh with pleading eyes.

"Snog? When?" She knew she ignored Ianto's inquiry but she, first, wanted to know about the snog and, second, hoped that Owen could handle _that_ question. So she deflected.

"After the stag party," Owen supplied. "He took advantage of a pissed Ianto.”

Ianto snorted. "No one took advantage of a pissed Ianto. I snogged him just as hard." Realizing what he just said, Ianto paled from his admission.

“I knew it, he…" Owen pointed his thumb in Ianto’s direction. “…wasn’t completely innocent either.”

Tosh stared at Ianto wide-eyed, not believing anything she was hearing. "You kissed him back?"

Ianto blushed. "Not sure who kissed who first... I... I don't know anything anymore." That last part sounded weak even to him.

Owen shook his head, disapproval etched into his face. "And Harkness was almost sober and should have acted like a big boy." Owen looked Tosh straight into her eyes. "He took advantage when he was suppo..."

"Stop, Owen!" Ianto cried out. "He did not take advantage. It happened. Lisa and I had problems long before Jack showed up. Just because I am questioning my sexuality - not love for Jack, mind you, just sexuality in general - doesn't mean that it was enough to break us up. But it was everything, together. It was mam, tad, you guys coming here, my sisters, the wedding planning.... all those issues just knocked me down. And neither of you know what I'm going through. You can't possibly understand so just piss off. I don’t need you!"

They both stared in silence at his outburst. Tosh was the first to speak, "I-I'll call your family, let them know you are safe." She dashed out of the room without a second look back.

Owen's sarcastic snark echoed through the silence as he clapped his hands slowly in applause, "Well done, teaboy! You just managed to piss off another person that cares about you today. Keep it up and you'll have no one left."

The glare Ianto sent could create an ice glacier in the Sahara. "Bugger off! And give me more whiskey." Ianto grabbed the bottle and started chugging, realizing after a few swallows that it was a bad idea as he started choking.

"Congrats! Now you’re turning into an alcoholic as well."

"Oh, you are one to speak. From what I heard, you showed up here drunk and Tosh had to drag your pissed body to the hotel. At least I have a reason to drink."

The punch came out of nowhere. Ianto found himself on the floor without a memory of how he got there. “Agh…”

Owen towered over him as he spoke, "Don't you dare, you wanker. You have no idea why I was drinking because your precious boyfriend wannabe refused to let anything mar your special day. Fuck Owen's feelings! It's teaboy's perfect romantic wedding and he has to be protected and coddled. But who gives a shit that Owen just lost his fiancé, that I just saw her put into the bloody ground? No one gives a shit because fucking poor confused Ianto doesn't fucking need any more stress in his perfect life."

At this point in his tirade, Owen's face was deep red, anger seeping through every pore. Ianto just sat there staring, mouth open in shock as Owen continued, "You have a bloody family that actually cares. Your mam was in an accident, well, at least she still cares. Dad got remarried, oh, but you actually do have a dad. Wedding stressful? Must have been awful to have two sisters helping along the way and a beautiful, _alive_ woman who loved you. Left a fiancé at the altar... at least you had a fiancé to leave, made it your choice. At least she's still alive, _teaboy_. And then you have lover boy, pining for you for years while you string him along with little touches and caresses just to give him enough rope that the hopeful bastard hangs himself on it. And you think your life is utter crap? If it has gone down the shitter then you have no one to blame but yourself. So, get the fuck up and pull yourself together because at this rate you will lose every single person who was idiotic enough to love you!"

Owen stormed off, seething from anger, into the loo, slamming the door behind him.

Ianto still sat on the ground in complete shock. He'd been floating through life, bitching and moaning silently about all the shit he had to deal with but… had he been playing the victim? He realized he'd never ever told anyone, including Lisa, when something was wrong. He just went along with everything even if it made him unhappy and then hid in a dark spot to brood; just like he hid himself in the attic as a child.

Bugger.

Was that fair to those around him? Maybe if he actually talked… but he wasn’t much of a talker… and that was no fucking excuse.

They all meant well because they loved him. They didn't know how unhappy he was inside because he never said anything, never did anything about it. He thought he was sparing their feelings...

But he was only hiding; hiding from them, hiding from himself.

This really was entirely his fault. His mam always told him she'd understand if he chose to move further away, she wanted him to have a good life. His tad was a prick, and he should have been strong enough to stand up to him years ago. The nosy sister and step-sister annoyed him because they always wanted to know everything about his life and in that way wanted to show they cared and wanted to ensure his happiness.

With every realization came guilt...

Tosh and Owen stood by him; protected him, even when he was a prick and left his fiancé at the altar. And yet not only did he not know Owen was in pain, he insulted the two people that decided to stand by him no matter what. He knew Tosh was crying somewhere... and that just made him feel even worse.

More guilt flooded his heart. He was so self-centered and narcissistic, he overlooked everything; he overlooked all the amazing people that surrounded him. It was always about his pain, his boredom, _his_ everything. When was the last time he really looked at Lisa?

Lisa loved him with everything she had. She was... perfect. She'd been there those first days when he arrived in Cardiff bemoaning his fate, his return to the city he never wanted to see again. She'd saved him with her light. He'd used her and when she couldn’t save him anymore (because he had to save himself) he'd broken her.

He was a bastard.

She wanted a house, two kids, a decent job, and a husband who loved her. He should have let her find everything she wanted because she never hid herself, she never lied. Ianto was always uncertain about the future but being with Lisa had been so easy, so convenient...

Even as he blamed himself for causing her pain, he berated himself for focusing again on himself... the narcissist.

So he really was a bloody wanker, prick, git, tosser, twat, bastard, liar... liar... liar… and every other name within the general vicinity.

_(Although, he hadn’t slipped into cursing in Welsh yet, he’d really be worried then for his sanity.)_

His heart was bursting with guilt, he was miserable, and that wasn't even a percent of what he deserved for the suffering he'd caused.

And Jack.

Oh, he'd hurt Jack too. For someone who he claimed was his best friend, he never really saw the man. He'd never really thought about it before but now he realized...

He'd overlooked the pained looks masked by the smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. He'd missed the tentativeness and uncertainty that would flash for a millisecond before Jack's eyes turned back into his cheerful mask. He'd taken the unconditional love, warmth, and care offered and played (yes, now that he was finally being totally honest with himself)... played with Jack's affection.

Hell was too good for him.

So he would brood, like he'd always done, and drown himself in whiskey. Or he could get off his arse and start fixing everything, or at least starting to make amends because a band-aid would never cover the bone deep gashes he'd left behind...

And he would start slowly… with Owen.

Ianto picked himself up and knocked on the bathroom door. "Owen, I'm sorry. You are completely right. Call me any derogatory name you wish, hit me again. I don't expect you to forgive me..." He had no idea what to say, he wasn't even sure what he wanted from Owen; he just needed him to know... know what?

He had a sudden epiphany; he needed to give Owen what Jack had always given him…

"Owen, I love you, you're a twat but you've always pulled through for me. I'll do whatever you want me to. If you want me to leave and never speak to you again, I will. Or if you want me to strip naked, run through the lobby and yell that Owen is a sex god with a ten inch prick, I'll do that too."

"Don't you dare! That would ruin my reputation with the birds."

Hysterical laughter took over Ianto's body as he slammed his forehead into the door before letting himself slide to the floor.

The door opened and a red-rimmed eyed Owen poked his head out **.** "Just don't kill yourself there, teaboy. Can't afford the cleaning bill."

"Sorry, Owen." He laughed the words out, still caught in his hysterics, realizing how inadequate but appropriate they were at the same time.

Owen sat down next to him and held his hand. "Apology accepted. And next time you need a good bollocking and a punch to the face, please call me. It was rather enjoyable."

As suddenly as the hysterics had arisen, they disappeared. He stared into Owen's brown eyes earnestly, holding his gaze for longer than comfortable for the other man before responding, "Always."

And that was it, Owen grinned, ruffled his hair, and all was forgiven. Ianto knew it was too easy, that he should have been made to lick his boots clean for the next five years. But this was Owen. And Ianto, on his new path of paying attention to others, knew that Ianto-style brooding would just piss him off. So for once he did what Owen really wanted and forgave himself, just like he’d been forgiven.

And it felt fucking good.

"So what now?"

Owen's question seemed so simple yet so complex at the same time, but Ianto was going to follow Owen's advice (better than when he was left to his own devices). "Well, I hurt a lot of people. I won't be able to fix most of it. But I can apologize, to everyone, one person at a time."

Owen smiled, one that wasn't a snarky grin or a smirk, but a rare genuine smile. "Let me go check on Tosh. If she feels like listening to an apology, I'll bring her back here."

Ianto found himself smiling back, not one of his guarded half-smiles or deferential professional smiles, but an actual smile and it felt bloody good. How did he ever underestimate Owen so much? Again he told himself, the narcissist in him saw the snarky exterior and assumed that was all that was there without taking the time to look inside. He wondered whether Jack saw into Owen’s soul.

The thought of Jack made him feel guilty again. Jack had this intense gaze that he would focus on people when they weren’t looking. He saw into Ianto’s soul and he wouldn’t be surprised if he had seen into Owen’s as well.

Fuck.

He never saw into Jack’s depths. Ianto really wasn’t worth to kiss the ground he walked on.

He mentally slapped himself, he needed to stop brooding.

He sat in silence, almost like atoning after confession, waiting.

He didn't deserve to be forgiven. He would just... apologize. And then he would give everyone space while trying to find himself in all this mess. He knew the good person he used to be was hidden somewhere behind this mask he'd erected, a mask that hid him from everyone; the very same mask that hid him from himself.

He would take all the emotional lashes and take the flailing gracefully. Then he'd pick himself up off the ground and listen to his heart. Anything else and he'd turn back into the soul sucking black hole of egotistical brooding, and that's the last place he'd ever want to be at again.

The door squeaked as Owen entered the room with Tosh trailing silently behind him. She looked like she was crying with her puffy face, blood-shot eyes, and a red nose rubbed raw.

Ianto had the urge to run up to her and envelop his friend in a hug but he used every wisp of self-control to stay put. A hug was what he needed; he'd have to ask her what she needed first. "Tosh, I'm sorry." A good beginning but she needed more; he dropped his eyes to the floor in shame. "I don't expect you to ever forgive me. Just know I love you and I was a shite friend while you are perfect and caring and amazing. Actually, I am a poor excuse for a human being right now. So... sorry."

He was too absorbed in his speech that he didn't initially feel the warm body next to his as Tosh sat down on the floor. "I love you too."  He looked up at her and she was smiling. "But never, ever say something like that to me again or I will punch you myself."

He really didn't deserve such easy forgiveness, he needed to pay. Again, he caught himself. He needed to pay but Tosh didn't need to make him pay. So he smiled, defaulting to Tosh’s needs. "Anytime you need to feel free to put me in my place."

She laughed, really laughed, as in out loud, using her full voice laughter. "Or I'll just send Owen and watch."

And that was that. He really didn't deserve them but thanked whatever Gods would listen that he had them as friends.

Owen asked, "So, what next, mate?"

He looked between Tosh and Owen and he knew what needed to be done. Oh, God, he didn't want to but he had to.

He started with a sigh and stopped himself midway through, "And now is the time I took responsibility instead of hiding in a hotel room with a whiskey bottle. That means I need to talk to all of them. First Lisa then Jack. Then everyone else on the entire planet starting with my family. Tosh, could find out where they are?"

"I spoke with Rhi, she is raving mad, by the way, but I think deep down she understands. She said everyone's at the reception. They decided all that money went into the party so they'll have a party. She said Lisa was there too, trying to have fun.”

"And Jack?"

"Not there and he didn't answer his phone."

He hoped he wouldn't have to face everyone at once, that Lisa would be alone. But penance was penance so he forced a smile and asked, "Care to accompany me to a party? I hear today's special will be a skewered Ianto."

Tosh giggled nervously while Owen smirked. "Wouldn't miss the villagers with pitchforks for the world."


	12. Saturday Evening

He stood outside the door to the reception hall, frozen. All color drained out of his face (not that he had much to begin with) as he balked. It was definitely easier said than done.

Minutes ticked by as Tosh and Owen shuffled their feet behind him. He was grateful they gave him the space to gather his thoughts until he felt a push to his shoulders and a growl, "For fuck's sake, move!"

He moved, opening the door and drifting into the crowd, his mind in a terrified haze. The people around him grew silent as they recognized him when he walked past. Who knew a room with over 150 people in it could be so still.

The reception hall was big, high and wide and long, decorated in white and purp… lavender. White roses stood in tall crystal vases with lavender ribbons keeping them tied together. It was as perfect as Lisa… a quiet sob escaped his lips.

Rhi and Gwen ran up to him. Rhi enveloped him in a hug as Gwen berated him, "What are you doing here? Everyone's pissed!"

He heard a whisper in his ear, "I'm so glad you're ok."

Gwen continued ranting, "You had us worried, Ianto; we thought maybe you'd go and off yourself somewhere."

Owen grabbed Gwen's arm. "And you are done." He led her away as she struggled in his grip. He lent in to whisper something to her but Ianto couldn't quite hear.

Turning back to Rhi **,** he asked, "Where is Lisa?"

"She..." Rhi struggled to find the right words. "Please, just leave her alone."

He sighed silently, he knew even trying to get her to listen to his apology would be difficult. "I need to make an announcement to everyone."

Rhi paled. "Ianto? No…"

"I _need_ to apologize." Determined, he extracted himself from her grip and made his way toward the DJ as whispered accusations and not so hushed berating followed him through the room. He asked for a microphone and addressed the crowed trying to ignore the angry remarks. "I just want to say one thing..."

He was interrupted by yells from unrecognizable people (but he silently hoped it was from Lisa's family and not his).

"You bastard, just leave!"

"Fuck off!"

"Don't wanna hear 'ya!"

"Music! Music!"

"Chuck him out!"

"Bloody prick!"

“Arsehole!”

He swallowed. "Please! I just want to say I'm sorry. That’s all!" A few people pelted him with fruit pieces and cheese cubes, with one perfectly aimed cube striking his eye, but he continued, "I am everything that you’re calling me, I deserve it all. And everyone here deserves more than my apology but that is all I can give. That's all, not looking for forgiveness, just wanted to say sorry. I'll go now." With those words, he passed the microphone back to the DJ and made his way through the room, letting the angry calls seep into his soul. This was the flailing and he was trying to take it gracefully, with as much dignity as he could muster.

As he walked, Mrs. Hallett ran up to him and punched him in the face. In the back of his mind, he wondered how many more punches he'd receive today as white hot pain shot through him but he stood his ground and took everything like a man (he hoped).

He knew she was yelling at him, he could see her mouth moving, but he only heard a buzzing sound in his ears. Hands grabbed his arms and he was moving again, following the perceived safety of the unrecognizable arms.

He came back to reality as a straw was thrust in his mouth, Tosh holding a glass of water as he started to suck automatically. He found himself in another room, bare and dark, with a few wooden tables and rusty chairs.

The music from the reception was nothing but an echo anymore.

Someone cleared their throat in the distance; he looked up and saw his tad. All of a sudden, even with the water, his mouth went completely dry.

"I'd like to have a ‘alk with my son."

Tosh and Owen glanced at each other before silently filing out of the room, worry etched on their faces.

Ianto looked straight into his tad's eyes facing up to responsibility and all that bollocks.

"I should beat the crap 'ut of you, you're scrawny lil' boy that needs a good beating. Really, Ianto? She was going to be the perfect wife and give you perfect kids and now you're 'othing. Worse than nothing, you're shite and always will be shite, even with your fancy education."

The same words he'd heard all his youth ran through his mind. Maybe his tad was right; maybe he'd always be a little shit. Today was just proof of a wider pattern of behavior.

"You little ‘othing thinks he's better than us, thinks he's better than his upbringing!"

He didn't see the fist coming (again, although by now he really shouldn't be surprised) as it collided with his face.

He deserved it.

Searing pain throbbed through his body but he managed to see another fist in the air, grabbing it, he pushed his father back. “I deserved the first one but I won’t let you punish me like when I was a child. No more.” His voice sounded calmer than he felt.

Somewhere from behind the throbbing, he heard his father spit out, "Don't ever come home again, you pussy. I disown you, you sorry excuse for a son!"

His father marched out in anger as he managed to yell the last word into the shutting door, “Fine!” Then he whispered to himself, “Never again,” before collapsing to the floor, forming a ball of sobbing mess. He’d finally stood up to his father and he should be proud but everything just felt like a muddled mess.

He wasn't sure how long he lay there before he felt a cold, wet cloth on his forehead. Lisa's punch hadn't been that hard, Owen’s had been painful but didn’t leave lasting damage (bloody doctor), and Mrs. Hallett’s punch had been little more than a sting. But his father’s punch was practiced and higher on his face as he realized he could barely open his swollen eye.

"You'll be ok, mate?"

He whispered, surprised, "Owen?"

"Yeah, it's me. Tosh is here too."

"Tosh?" He was in awe, his friends were still by his side.

"Yeah Ianto, I'm here."

"Argh..."

"Ianto, I'm sorry about your face. If I had known how many people would take a swipe at you, I'd have waited for my turn later."

"S'ok **,** Owen."

“Do you want to go to A&E?”

“Nah. Just rest, please?”

He wasn’t sure where, but Tosh found him a blanket and lay it around his shoulders while she snuggled in as well and held him close.

Unsure about how much time passed as he sat shivering in Tosh’s embrace, he was pulled back to reality when he noticed a long white dressed flowing through his peripheral vision.

He braced himself for another punch or a bout of anger but it never came.

Instead, Lisa ran up and delicately hugged him. Silent tears fell from his eyes as he was overwhelmed by the kind gesture, one he surely didn't deserve.

"Are you ok? Your face…" She held up her hand as if wanting to soothe the pain but at the last minute dropped it back.

"Fine." He grinned at her and then winced at the painful movement around his inflamed eye.

"I would smack you for lying to me but you look hurt enough. Your face looks awful, do you want to go to the emergency room?"

“I’m fine. Nothing I don’t deserve.”

She smiled cautiously, "I'm sorry, Ianto."

"What?" He looked at her like she'd just turned into some alien creature from a far away planet. "I'm the one who should be sorry. Never you! You didn’t do anything wrong. Not. A. Single. Thing." He punctuated each word, needing her to know that none of this was her fault.

She smiled as they sat awkwardly, the atmosphere strained, realizing everyone's eyes were on them. Ianto turned to Tosh and Owen and spoke, “Some privacy?”

“Of course.” Tosh grabbed Owen’s arm and dragged his hesitant form away.

They sat in silence, catching each other’s gaze and then looking away over and over again.  Eventually, they were interrupted by pained moans from Ianto as he winced again.

"Ianto?"

"I didn't think you'd want to talk to me after... everything."

"Please, just help me understand," she pleaded as silent tears fell down her face. He felt the urge to wipe them off but resisted touching her, it wasn't his place to offer her comfort anymore.

“You know the fucked up thing is that I don’t either. I love you, I really do but… I don’t think I love myself, not really.”

She sighed, “Ianto…”

“Please, let me say this first. Nothing you did was wrong. I am wrong, something inside me is broken. I treated you like shite, blame me for everything. You are wonderful, kind, gorgeous, and have a hell of a right hook.” He chuckled, albeit a bit forced. “What the fuck is wrong with me?" She looked confused so he added, “Sorry, rhetorical question.”

Looking nervous, she played with her fingers as she asked, “So, is this it for us?”

“God, Lisa, you deserve everything. I… I need to figure myself out and it wouldn’t be fair to ask for you to wait for an uncertainty. For now, you can punch me some more, go out there and dance with anyone you please, eat cake and talk shit about me, hate me, and then have a wonderful life… Whatever you want, you deserve it.”

She hugged Ianto and he froze in her embrace, he really didn’t deserve her. “You are a right bastard, Ianto Jones, and yet even for this, I can’t hate you. “

“Please do…”

Her voice was strong, certain, as she spoke, “No, if you hate yourself, I can’t stop you, but I won’t.”

“I don’t deserve you.”

“I know.” Doubt entered her voice as she looked away, “Did you, uh, love me at all?”

“Always, Lisa. I’m just a broken git who can’t seem to get anything right. God, Lisa, you deserve everything you want… someone to love you unconditionally, have kids with, a house with a white picket fence, anything and everything.”

She placed a hand on his cheek as she smiled slightly. “I know you hate yourself right now and a small part of me rejoices in it but a bigger part of me hopes you find what makes you happy as well. You do deserve it too, Ianto.”

“How can you…”

“Stop, I won’t let you do that.”

“But I have to tell you…” He paused when she looked at him again with that penetrating gaze and he knew she needed to know about Jack and maybe then she’d hate him. “I kissed someone after my stag do.” He kept his eyes lowered to the ground but could feel every single emotion coming off her in waves; hurt, sorrow, confusion, betrayal.

Her voice was strained, “Who was she?”

“She was a he.”

“Huh?”

“I kissed a man.”

“Are you… gay?” She whispered the last word so quietly (maybe even slightly hopeful) he barely heard it.

“I… don’t think so, maybe bi. I really don’t know.”

That was Ianto Jones at his most honest, raw, vulnerable, and on display. He felt her arms around him again. "Oh, wow.”

“Yeah.”

They sat in silence, neither knowing what to say anymore. Finally, Lisa pleaded, “Just say goodbye now, please. And then leave.”

He sighed. “Goodbye, Lisa.”

She kissed his lips chastely. “Goodbye, Ianto.” She started to walk away, dress flowing around her, but then turned suddenly. “Do you think that someday maybe we could still be friends? Like five years from now when all of this doesn’t hurt as much anymore?”

“Whatever you wish, Lisa. I’ll leave it up to you… contact me if you need a friend or someone to throw a vase at.”

She ran back and kissed him on the cheek, tears flowing freely but a small smile gracing her face. “Well, if I was going to get my heart broken, I’m glad it was you.”

He looked at her, bewildered, this amazing woman was joking about their situation already! “That was the most nutter thing I’ve ever heard you say.”

She giggled. “Takes one to know one.”

A twitch of the corners of his mouth turned into a slight smile. “Go, have fun. You deserve to squeeze any fun you can from the lemon outside.”

“I guess you won’t be going back out there?”

“As self-loathing as I may be, I'm still not suicidal and that crowd wants blood.”

With a sad smile, she turned and walked away without another word.


	13. Saturday Night

He had to see Jack before the other man flew back to the States the next day. God, he had no idea what he was going to say but he needed to try… say _something_.

Ianto hesitantly knocked on the hotel room's door as terror gripped his nerves, churning his insides like in a spin cycle. The door opened to reveal Jack’s tear streaked face. Ianto stared. “Oh...” He brought up his hand as if to touch Jack's face but stopped midair, hand paused hanging awkwardly.

Both men stared at each other before Jack silently gestured for him to come in. Ianto noticed that Jack had changed out of the tux into jeans and a white vest since they were at the church. And he looked hot… _time and place, Ianto_.

Ianto himself had lost the jacket and tie, his sleeves rolled up to his elbows. He took a few steps forward in awkward silence before turning around to face Jack again, who was looking back at him in shock. “Ianto, your face… What happened?”

He chuckled. “Just got what I deserved.”

“What? No!”

“It’s ok, Jack. Leave it.” Ianto’s voice was authoritative and Jack dropped the subject, for now.

Silence fell between them as both men gathered their thoughts.

Finally, Jack said, “I’m so sorry I ruined…”

Ianto placed his finger over Jack’s lips to silence him. Jack’s body shuddered at this intimate gesture. Ianto shook his head. “Don’t be, Jack.  Let’s sit down, we need to talk.”

“Ok. Want a beer?”

“Yeah.”

Reaching into the hotel’s mini fridge, Jack picked up two beers and handed one to Ianto.

The massive bed in the middle of the room mocked them as the only seating available so they both settled in clumsily, leaning their backs against the headboard, while cradling their beers. Another awkward silence was filled by the men sipping their drinks while avoiding looking at each other.

When Jack spoke, his voice was a whisper, as if he could barely breathe, “Ianto…”

“Jack, I need to say some things first. Please?”

After a long silent pause he spoke, “’k.”

If he had any doubts to the reality of Owen’s earlier divulgence, Jack's tear streaked face confirmed everything and he just wanted, _needed_ to soothe the pain away. “It’s not your fault. You didn’t seduce the inexperienced unwilling straight bloke. I _wasn’t_ an unwilling participant.” Ianto paused and sighed loudly. “I ended it with Lisa for more reasons that just that night. We were… I was damaged goods long before that day.”

Jack looked like he was about to argue so Ianto rushed to continue, “What I feel for you… men… I don’t know if I’m gay, straight, bisexual, or something else not quite definable. I used to think I wanted a wife, a dog, 2.4 kids, and a house with a white picket fence. Not sure I want any of that now or ever, or that I don’t want it anymore either.”

Ianto turned to face Jack and managed to look him straight in his wounded eyes, his heart ached. “I don’t know who I am or what I want. I don’t regret the kiss with you but that is all I can give you at the moment, Jack, just the physical, and you deserve so much more.”

He saw Jack struggle to find words so he added, “I know, Jack, that your feelings are more than just a platonic physical attraction, Owen and Tosh set me straight, but I can’t be anything more to you. Not now at least - if ever. I… I’m sorry.”

Jack’s hand found its way into Ianto’s and they entwined their fingers together. Finally, Jack spoke in a broken voice, “I u-understand, Ianto. I’m s-sorry I brought… all this…” He waved the other hand around in the air in an exaggerated gesture when words failed him.

A dark chuckle escaped Ianto’s lips. “I’m not. I think we, me and Lisa, we were a mistake. God, I do love her but I think this wedding was too soon, too much, too… what everyone else wanted. You didn’t mess me up, Jack. I was already messed up but hid myself behind a well crafted mask and a wall of solid defenses, or almost solid defenses. You just helped bring them down and I am grateful to you for that. Maybe now I’ll have a chance to rebuild myself the way I want to.”

“A-and me?”

“And you will head back to America and live your life. Both you and Lisa deserve so much more. You truly are amazing, Jack, please don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. You need someone who will be able to give you their whole heart with no fears, reservations, or complications.”

Jack sighed and smiled just a little. “And you, Ianto Jones, are very special. Don’t lose sight of that. There will always be a part of my heart that will love you, always.”

Ianto closed his eyes, body trembling slightly, not ready for Jack’s admission to be spoken out loud so freely, but he knew he had to face the other man’s feelings. He squeezed Jack’s hand and held it tight. “You know you will always have a special space in my heart. I do love you, Jack, but right now as a best friend.”

They sat there in silence, holding hands, tears shimmering in their eyes.

Ianto was the first to blink out of the trance. “I should go. You should get some sleep and I… I should just go.”

Jack faced him with a pleading look. “Can I… could I … kiss you?”

Ianto wrapped his arms around Jack’s neck in response and their lips met, conveying pain, need, desire, passion, sorrow, guilt, and love all in a clash of lips, tongue, and teeth. They were both panting when they broke apart, staring into each others’ eyes. Ianto gave one last squeeze to Jack’s hands and rose up to leave, silent tears rolling down his cheeks. He didn’t turn around but could feel Jack’s eyes watching him the whole way to the door.

Jack, shaken to the core by the intensity of that last kiss, watched Ianto’s back as he walked away. He couldn’t just let the love of his life walk away, not like this, not without a fight so he desperately yelled, “Wait!”

He ran up to Ianto and hugged his back tightly as he pleaded into the Welshman’s ear, “Please, just sleep next to me tonight. No expectations, no hope for anything more, just comfort… a farewell?” Berating himself, Jack realized he would say anything, do anything to keep Ianto with him for just a little longer, for just one more moment. He tightened his embrace, molding himself to Ianto's back.

Ianto trembled in Jack’s snug embrace. He knew he should leave but a selfish part of him wanted to give in to Jack’s request and take a little comfort for himself tonight. “A-are you sure?”

“Yeah.” Jack’s breath tickled his ear.

“Ok, just this… tonight, right?”

Jack turned Ianto around slowly and stared into a dusty blue ring around dilated black pupils. There was attraction, but he knew he’d lost the other man emotionally, that he could never have his love and something broke inside of him. Something filled with grief, longing, lust, dejection, love, and hopelessness but at that moment, all he wanted to do was to desperately kiss the pink lips before him.

Running his fingers over the soft material covering Ianto’s chest and arms he gave in and kissed the lips lightly. Without losing contact he murmured, “Please, just tonight.”

Jack’s pleading voice seeped in through the cracks in his heart. He wanted this, Jack’s body pulling him like a magnet. Knowing this was a bad idea because Jack had to leave for the States and he himself had to leave for somewhere as well… and he was lost, falling out of control, so he placed his fingers on the other man’s hips and crashed their lips together hard in response.

Jack’s trembling fingers searched for the buttons on Ianto’s lavender shirt. One by one, they clicked as his fingers brushed more and more exposed pale skin. Patches of short, dark curly hair covered the delectable skin and Jack curled his fingers in it eliciting a delicious moan from Ianto’s lips.

Jack held on firmly, as if the other man would disappear at any moment if he let go, and swiped his tongue against the luscious lips before they opened to give him entrance. The kiss was heated, passion flowing between them.

Caressing the skin under his fingertips, Jack stripped the younger man’s shirt off, pulling it frantically off his narrow shoulders. He moved to kiss the pulse point, nose tickled by stray strands of hair smelling so delicious, so Ianto. He licked and nipped at it and then kissed it again, reveling in the simple action of feeling the man so alive underneath him as the object of his affection moaned loudly, delectably.

Running his hands through the soft tresses covering Ianto’s chest, oh the wonderful fuzz that he imagined running his hands through so many times, Jack brushed fingers over a nipple and elicited a whimper reverberating through his spine down to his cock.

Straining against his trousers, he couldn’t help but roll his hips against Ianto’s, pleased to be feeling the other man’s erection. Knowing deep down inside this was such a bad idea even as he groaned from the friction, he was satisfied that at least Ianto wanted this as much as he did.

He licked up Ianto’s neck and nibbled on the earlobe while sliding his hands to cup his friend’s arse. Never imagining Ianto to be this vocal, he nibbled down again and bit the pulse point hard and then soothed with his tongue, loving every single response.

The illicitness of this act fueled his desire more, if this was the last time, if this was a goodbye, then he’d make it the best night of his life. He’d also make Ianto’s first time with a man perfect, gentle, loving…

Because he loved him, he really did. The pain hit him suddenly and Jack paused and held onto Ianto, his head bowed down, resting in the crook of the other man’s neck. He just breathed through the pain, trying desperately to keep the tears from falling. Not now, not when he _needed_ him so badly.

Ianto seemed to sense the change in Jack’s mood and held him back tightly while placing comforting butterfly kisses on his neck. They stood there wrapped up in each other just breathing… being.

Time stopped as the bubble of warmth enveloped their souls, desire forgotten as the need for comfort overtook them. Ianto took over and led Jack, the boisterous American now shy and unsure, to the bed. He carefully placed his fingers under Jack’s vest to lift it over his head; gently caressing the smooth skin as he stripped the other man down to his pants.

Helping Jack lay down tenderly on the soft cushions of the bed, he chucked his clothes down to his pants quickly before joining his friend. Unaccustomed to a silent and shy Jack, he curled up around the other man, sharing warmth. Kissing his friend’s, no, his lover’s chest, he kissed up until catching the delectable lips in his. The kiss was mellow, unlike the previous ones it was filled with reassurance and serenity rather than desire.

Ianto’s body pressed down against Jack’s, mouth to mouth, chest to chest, hips to hips, legs entwined with each other. He pressed down and rolled his hips just like Jack had shown him before and loved eliciting a content sight out of Jack. So he repeated the action again and again, rubbing his hardness against Jack through their pants in slow soothing motions.

The action seemed to stir Jack out of his mood and he moved his hips in return, rotating them as he moaned into Ianto’s lips. Hands moving again, Jack caressed every inch of the man above, outlining with his fingers the taut muscles in his back down to his firm arse and along the sensitive thighs.

Lips sealed against each other, only allowing tongues entrance to dance, Jack twisted his fingers into the other man’s waist band and tugged them just a bit down, exposing the hardness underneath. Ianto made a noise at the loss of cover as his fingers moved to Jack’s pants and yanked down on them resolutely, exposing his lover.

Their bare cocks glided deliciously, the smooth skin rubbing against each other, pre-come coating them with a thin layer of lubrication. Ianto felt heat rise up deep in his abdomen and move through his cock. He was close as he looked down at the beautiful man, lost in the moment underneath him.

Time slowed down, he noticed the kiss swollen lips and shadows of eyelashes falling on Jack’s cheeks.

The realization of _everything_ flooded his system, the love of the man underneath him, the wedding, the pain and sorrow, Lisa, his love for Jack, and not being close to good enough for someone so amazing. The clarity of the moment took his breath away when the energy pulsated out through his body as they gathered speed; the intensity almost too much until he screamed Jack’s name into his mouth as he came hard, body shuddering, shaking through the tremors.

As the last of his orgasm flowed out, he felt Jack tremble and come as tears of sorrow poured out of his eyes. Ianto pressed his lips onto Jack’s face, desperately attempting to kiss and lick away every last drop of the salty sorrow, knowing deep inside his soul he failed at protecting Jack from himself.

After, they lay in bed as he gazed at his beautiful Jack in wonder as the tears continued spilling out of those brilliant blue eyes - tears he'd caused simply by doing this. The gravity of everything that happened today, of what they had just done, hit him and he clung to Jack tightly. Holding on seemed to be the only thing his brain seemed capable of processing.

Regret saturated his every pore as he held the sobbing body close, tightly wound against him. He'd hurt Jack again, that’s all he was good for, causing pain to those he loved. He held his friend, his lover, until his tears were spent and breathing evened out. Only once he was sure Jack was asleep did he allow his exhausted eyes to close and slumber overtake him.

……………………………………..

Dawn’s pink lights streamed around the shut curtains as Ianto’s eyes fluttered open. At his first waking moments, he discovered lying in a hotel room, naked except for pants around his thighs, with a heavy, possessive arm slung over his waist. His nose was tucked into a neck that smelled so good, like salty sea air and honey and something else, unexplainable… Jack.

Vague memories from last night drifted into his consciousness as guilt permeated his soul. He'd given in to his attraction and… it had been amazing. But he couldn’t be here, he couldn’t stay. He'd caused too much hurt, too much pain.

Ianto gently moved the arm and replaced his body with a pillow as he extracted himself from the embrace. He froze as Jack curled up around the pillow and mumbled something incoherent. Sure that the other man was still asleep, he pulled up his pants, then tiptoed through the room collecting his clothes; shirt, trousers, socks, shoes...

The sleeping body stirred and he focused all his senses on the other man but Jack still seemed to be deep asleep. He needed to leave, now.

Jack deserved so much more than him. He deserved everything Ianto couldn’t give, wasn’t ready to give.

Quickly dressing, he dared one last look at Jack’s beautiful form and felt a pang of guilt and sorrow and grief coursing through his soul. Guilt that he couldn’t be what Jack wanted him to be, guilt over last night, and even guilt over Lisa. Nausea churned within his stomach and he needed to leave, escape, and run far away.

Disappear.

With a click of the door shutting behind him, his legs gave out and he fell to the ground, trembling and crying. Lisa and Jack were gone. His family was furious and disappointed about the wedding. Relationships with friends were strained. Everything was fucked.

He sat there until his red-rimmed eyes couldn’t create any more moisture, took a deep breath, wiped at his cheeks, and shakily stood up.

He wasn’t sure anymore who he was or what he wanted or needed. He wasn’t even sure what tomorrow would bring. Every part of his previous life lay behind him burnt to ashes and it was his own damn fault.

Yet, right at this moment that was… just was. And simply existing was good enough for now.


	14. Epilogue

Buzzing all around him were city street noises of endless construction and cars, among them the many cabs, moving so slowly they might as well be parked. The noise confused his senses. Hundreds of people walking on the never-ending concrete sidewalks, phones in their hands, chatting away, bumped his body as he stood overwhelmed. All around him, buildings towered so high they blocked the scorching sun. The stench, sewers, subways, homeless, endless bodies in suits, exhaust, and exotic food smells left all his senses on overload.

He clutched the crumpled piece of paper in his palm as if his life depended on it.

For the last three years, Ianto Jones had traveled all over the world. The first two years were spent stationary working for the Peace Corps and living in Africa.

After the mess he had created, he'd finally found the strength to leave Britain. He had a lot of thinking and figuring out to do and being there _hurt._ The ghosts of Lisa and Jack lived on every corner, in every shadow. He'd just needed to escape.

He had felt like he’d lost himself somewhere along the way… And maybe, just maybe, helping others less fortunate could help him find the inner peace he was looking for.

So, for two years, he had taught kids in Kenyan schools, teaching and living in barely standing, derelict buildings surrounded by poverty and death. He loved each child knowing that not all would make it to adulthood and many wouldn’t see old age. They taught him hope, humility, and love in one of the worst slums in the world.

But when his time there was over he still had felt lost, there was still a big part of him missing. He'd known his journey wasn’t over yet.

He moved his right foot forward, then his left, right, left… and before he knew it, he was walking on the hard concrete. Terror churned his stomach; it felt like rats nested in there and were now nibbling at his internal organs. He wanted to tell himself that he’d been through worse but…

The last year he had spent drifting around the world. He had had money saved up from working all those years and selling his half of the flat with Lisa along with most of his possessions. After the first two years living in a foreign land, with foreign people, he'd gained confidence. With his new self-assurance, he'd decided to travel on his own, relying only on himself.

During that year, he'd drifted through the world, traveling aimlessly, searching for something that he couldn’t quite place. He'd dined with monks in Tibet, stood in awe of the temple Angkor Wat, prayed in India (and his Welsh family would so disown his new found vegetarian self), climbed Mount Kilimanjaro, hiked the Inca Trail, camped in the wilderness of Alaska, drank kava in Vanuatu, and partied in Mexico.

During his travels, he could feel his soul heal but he was still searching, looking for something he couldn’t define.

Over those years, a feeling of loneliness crept up on him. He didn't live like a monk and had his share of lovers, both men and women, but most were short term one night stands. The longest lover he had was a man in Morocco. The men spent two fantastic weeks there having fabulous sex before parting ways.

So, he wasn't surprised when one day, he'd woken up and crawled out of his tent on a beautiful beach in Mexico and felt a deep longing as the deep blue ocean transformed into a pair of soulful eyes of the same color. He'd packed his bags that very moment, hitched a ride to the nearest airport, and boarded on the first available stand by seat to the most arrogant, pretentious place on the planet, New York City.

He walked past his surroundings in a daze, a bag slung over his shoulder, as he clung to the small piece of paper crumpled in his hand. His hope scrawled in a messy handwriting, a coffee stain on the upper right hand corner.

It was in that one perfect moment on that beach that he had figured out how to end his journey. He'd learned to properly to care for others and seen wonders of the world but in all his travels, he'd still been missing one thing, missing his heart.

Searching for the one to fill that hole inside was the reason he'd boarded that flight and now stood on a chaotic corner waiting for a red light to turn green in awe as faceless masses bumped and shoved him out of their way. His heart was hidden somewhere within the depths of this city.

He wasn’t sure what he expected; his heart could welcome him with open arms but more likely he would had moved on, married (or had a civil ceremony), and had five (well, maybe just one or two) kids by now. Or he would never find his heart in all this pandemonium, endangering the very sanity he'd worked so hard for.

His fist closed around the piece of paper. His one way of finding the one who had claimed his heart so long ago but he was too blind to notice.

He'd tried all the previous contact information but the e-mails came back undelivered and the phone number wasn’t active anymore. He was determined to try one last thing, even if he was setting himself up for failure, because now he was good enough ( _he hoped_ ) and if it was too late, then it would be nothing less than he deserved.

It was Owen who'd come through for him in the end.

When Tosh had heard about what had happened that night after the wedding that never was, she became protective of Jack, like a mama bear over her cubs, refusing to give Ianto a way to find Jack. She had every right to do that. He had hurt Jack even more on top of everything else. That hadn't been his finest hour. Actually, he was more ashamed of that night than he was of running out on Lisa at their wedding. Although, that one was a close second.

But Owen, whether he always had a romantic side or losing Katie had affected him more than he’d ever admit, had given in and sent him an email, in it an address and a threat that if he hurt Jack again, he’d find himself in A&E.

Tears silently fell from his eyes as he desperately hung on to his one hope. He was strong now, his two feet standing solid on the ground, and he was ready for… anything. He was ready for love, heartbreak, disappointment, happiness, pain, sorrow, peace, or anything else that came his way. He was ready to love Jack how he deserved, if his friend, his love, still wanted him.

After all, his Jack was worth every sacrifice he’d have to make.

 .

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FIN


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